is can be scary. Change around you is can be unnerving. Change within is downright terrifying. In order to reach the place I want to be at, I need to accept things will change. They need to change. I’ve got to look at it in a good way. When I took the decision to actively recover in my own hands,I had this false belief that I could heal with nothing changing. Well I knew I would change in a way; I failed to realize how much. And suddenly it dawns that I’m just about getting comfortable with the tiny amount of weight put on but it’s clearly nowhere near enough. Now I’m not working with any team and I do not weigh myself. Depending on how you look at it, that could be a bad way of going about recovery. But if there’s one thing I know about myself – I am ridiculously stubborn – and I don’t want to just heal physically, I want to work on healing my mind. Something that only I can work on. I would say weight wise I’m 1/3 of the way to what I should be, and this is just me guessing. A big help is having all my clothes pre-ED, so I’m judging by how close I am to fitting back into them.
Seeing that I’m dragging on what I really want to be saying, I’m just going to say it. I’m afraid of gaining more weight and being unhappy. And no I am not concerned that I will start restricting again because I happen to be dealing with a raging appetite on a regular basis. That in itself is so ‘new’ to me – despite eating well for at least 5 months now – since I didn’t experience ‘hunger’ when I was restricting < topic for another day right there. I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to feel this way, but I guess there’s only so much control I can hold over my emotions. I don’t understand where this fear is coming from. Inside I know full well that my appearance does not change the person I am. How is it that I never judge anyone else that way? I don’t look at people and go “oh she’s fat” etc. And yet I hold these stupid standards for myself. I was at a perfectly healthy weight before – it seems like a lifetime ago – I can’t entirely recall what triggered me to restrict/over-exercise. It was very much a control issue, or lack of control rather.
What I want to know however; to enter a full remission, is over-shooting the body’s set point inevitable? The info I have come across makes it look that way. That I will end up becoming overweight before my body settles down to its set point? And I will only fully physically and mentally heal once I actually become fatter than I’m comfortable with?