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Weighty matters

Change is can be scary. Change around you is can be unnerving. Change within is downright terrifying. In order to reach the place I want to be at, I need to accept things will change. They need to change. I’ve got to look at it in a good way. When I took the decision to actively recover in my own hands,I had this false belief that I could heal with nothing changing. Well I knew I would change in a way; I failed to realize how much. And suddenly it dawns that I’m just about getting comfortable with the tiny amount of weight put on but it’s clearly nowhere near enough. Now I’m not working with any team and I do not weigh myself. Depending on how you look at it, that could be a bad way of going about recovery. But if there’s one thing I know about myself – I am ridiculously stubborn – and I don’t want to just heal physically, I want to work on healing my mind. Something that only I can work on. I would say weight wise I’m 1/3 of the way to what I should be, and this is just me guessing. A big help is having all my clothes pre-ED, so I’m judging by how close I am to fitting back into them.

Seeing that I’m dragging on what I really want to be saying, I’m just going to say it. I’m afraid of gaining more weight and being unhappy. And no I am not concerned that I will start restricting again because I happen to be dealing with a raging appetite on a regular basis. That in itself is so ‘new’ to me – despite eating well for at least 5 months now – since I didn’t experience ‘hunger’ when I was restricting < topic for another day right there. I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to feel this way, but I guess there’s only so much control I can hold over my emotions. I don’t understand where this fear is coming from. Inside I know full well that my appearance does not change the person I am. How is it that I never judge anyone else that way? I don’t look at people and go “oh she’s fat” etc. And yet I hold these stupid standards for myself. I was at a perfectly healthy weight before – it seems like a lifetime ago – I can’t entirely recall what triggered me to restrict/over-exercise. It was very much a control issue, or lack of control rather. 

What I want to know however; to enter a full remission, is over-shooting the body’s set point inevitable? The info I have come across makes it look that way. That I will end up becoming overweight before my body settles down to its set point? And I will only fully physically and mentally heal once I actually become fatter than I’m comfortable with?


4 thoughts on “Weighty matters

  1. Hey, awesome that you’ve decided to give recovery a go. 🙂

    In response to your post, I don’t want to suggest that I or anyone can predict how you’re going to feel, but if mine and many, many other people’s experiences are anything to go by, the good news is that once you’re truly recovered, mentally and physically, you will not have this fear of being ‘fat’, you will feel happier and more comfortable at a bigger (healthier) size than you do now. I briefly touched upon this on my blog today, but it’s a long and rambling post so I’ll just copy that relevant bit:

    “When it comes to body image, for those of you who worry about such things, I will not ‘reassure’ you by telling you that I didn’t gain weight/fat as a result of new (in my view healthier) habits. I did. I’m bigger today than when I ate less and exercised more – of course I am. I’m no longer one of those people who fit the societal stereotype of ‘thin’ (or, for that matter, ‘fit’). I don’t have a ‘thigh gap’. I have curves. I’m a 35-yearold woman and (lo and behold) I don’t look like a 12-yearold boy. This might sound a little boring, but I’m just very average sized, like most people I know. Personally, I like to think of myself as human-shaped. 🙂 What I can say to possibly reassure you though, is that I have never in my life felt more comfortable in my body. I like it – both how it looks and what it can do.”

    Even just a year ago I wouldn’t have thought I could be *genuinely* comfortable gaining weight way past the necessary minimum. And looking at a lot of bloggers who claim to be/feel recovered, this seems to be quite common – I don’t want to make assumptions about people based on pictures and what little information they post on the internet, but it is a little telling (I think) that you see few ‘recovered’ HLB bloggers who are not still *very* slim – sure, some people are naturally skinny, but being naturally skinny means (imo) being skinny whilst eating completely without restriction – a case in point being a good friend of mine who probably eats upwards of 3000 calories most days and does no or little exercise, yet he’s never been able to put on much weight (though he would ideally like to).

    As for overshooting your set point, I don’t think the evidence that we have a ‘set point’ is at all conclusive, but perhaps we do have one. Either way, I do believe that the only way to find out where your body is truly comfortable is to eat completely without restriction until eating becomes something that you don’t feel the need to think or stress about, but rather just a necessary, easy, and enjoyable part of life. The process of getting there is difficult, but the rewards are more than worth the effort (and I’m saying that even though I haven’t yet got to the end of it myself, it’s already worth it for me even if it’s still a struggle at times). And you’ll know when you’re truly healthy, you’ll be able to feel it, both physically and mentally.

    • Thank you for your comforting words Agnes <3. I really do want to allow my body to take on its normal womanly shape. Here's hoping I get over my fear soon.

  2. Pingback: I’ve found…me. | pathofdiscoveryblog

  3. Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but
    after I clicked submit my comment didn’t
    show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to
    say superb blog!

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