Every day tends to be abit of an emotional roller coaster. I’m making progress no doubt, at certain times I will feel totally free from the ED, and not long thereafter I could end up feeling stuck in dark thoughts. It’s a mind-boggling puzzle trying to figure myself out. In terms of fear foods I am pleased to have basically tried it all – greasiest, sweetest, sodium laden; high fat gut bombs – the usual terrifying things, and lived to tell the tale. But the very fact that I still look at it with an apprehensive eye seeing it as ‘junk that tastes good…sometimes’, tells me I’ve got a looong way to go. And I haven’t exactly conquered the anxiety, guilt associated with such foods. It’s so weird that while on one day I’ll eat ice-cream and have *almost* zero guilt, and the next – just craving it will freak me out depending on the time, level of activity and of course how much of sugar, saturated fats and carbs I consumed earlier. Totally useless mental anguish I agree! What is happening as I’m continuing to try and give my body what it’s asking for and when, is that it’s getting harder and harder to ever refuse or turn down a craving. Yeah that barely makes sense to me but somehow my resolve to deny my any cravings, is slowly crumbling the more I give in to what I want. Let me not start on what happens when I don’t know what I actually want! Yesterday was a clear example of my mind battles.
I knew I was headed to a coffee date mid-morning, so I kinda really wanted to not eat anything to save calories. Wrong but true. Before I would have ignored my wailing grumbling tummy, and would have been faint and weak with hunger by the time I got to the place. But nowadays I am acutely aware of the terrible moodiness that arises when I’m hangry and besides it’s gotten easier to just actually eat something. Trying to keep it light I enjoyed a hot cuppa Joe and a banana with PB. That did not do the trick – I think since I have become accustomed to a bigger breakfast – and a little later and was in tatters on whether I should have the chips I was suddenly craving. I watched the clock, I contemplated, tried to reason with myself convince myself that I didn’t want the chips because I would be ruining my appetite. All this drama over a bloomin’ packet of chips fried in a vat of oil! Although we are talking about my favourite kind which is *almost* worth the hype. It’s a good thing I am such a rebel; the moment something is off limits – I want it.
After that episode I sort of settled into the day like everyone around me. Ate a late lunch when the hunger hit, snacked on roast butternut/cottage cheese/almond butter after helping around the house, then the family got ready to attend a braai. I was planning to go, but as the day wore on I just didn’t feel like it. I wanted to chill on my own, eat what I was craving which happened to be dessert and veg (!). Bottom line: I had no desire to eat in company. With my ED I developed a love for being alone, and it happened so gradually I didn’t realize it. Those around me did of course. I’m gone much better in my opinion. I still enjoy eating alone – need to work on that one. Few years back I would never have wanted to miss out on a social gathering, but then again I was a lot younger so it could be that I being a bit of a loner is a part of me, and not solely the ED.
Has anyone went though the same thing? When did it become enjoyable to eat in company?