Home » Recovery » ED » Seeing black & white in a world of colour

Seeing black & white in a world of colour

I belong to those people who fall under the category of ‘extremist’. What do we call ’em…type A’s? We approach things with an all or nothing mindset. We want to attain this outlandish level of perfection in everything. And we will go to great lengths to achieve it believing that once we get there, we will be happy. In my case I even forgot what happy felt like along the way. I used to be that kid; who was termed ‘the chocoholic’, could not go a day without Oreos, never turned down fast food/dessert, thrived on social interaction – the more the merrier and was in good shape with a healthy BMI. I was always active though so I suppose that helped. Anyway…fast forward into the teen years where the body and mind is developing and needs a good amount of calories to grow..I started some intense studies, began feeling pressure in various areas of my life and without realizing things went from bad to worse. Cutting out food groups, restricting. Ugh! I sort of transformed into a serious, lonely person. Magically I ‘lost’ my sweet tooth. No processed foods. Wouldn’t eat anything that I didn’t prepare myself, or see getting prepared. And I actually believed I was fine and everything was dandy. How the hell?! I believed that I enjoyed those huge FAT FREE salads topped with FAT FREE cottage cheese for protein. When all it gave me was terrible tummy cramps. I believed that I didn’t want Mum’s hearty home cooked meals, afraid of all the butter/oil and calories inside. The truth is, I didn’t crave it because I forgot what it tasted like. Deep inside I knew this, which made me even more fearful because that meant I would eat and not be able to stop, right (note the heavy sarcasm)!

yoghurt mess with Mum’s sponge-cake in substitute of banana thrown in for good measure001

As off right now I’m doing my best to just listen to my body. I’m craving more junky foods than I’m comfortable with eating, even though I do still enjoy my healthier eats. Deliberate forms of exercise is being kept to a minimum. For how long who knows…at some stage I’d like to be able to eat mainly healthily because I want to and be more active without destroying myself.

Maybe now that I’ve swung to both extremes I’ll be able to find that balance.

One thought on “Seeing black & white in a world of colour

  1. Pingback: Inadequacy | pathofdiscoveryblog

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