I’m about to reveal shocking news. I am a normal person. I feel things…I go through different emotions on a daily basis. I laugh alot, I get upset, I experience hunger (big shock! *rolling eyes*) and I’ve started to experience true satiation. It’s a bit strange and uncomfortable to feel anything other than emptiness in my belly, but at the same time oh-so-glorious to be able to get on with my day without thinking about the next time I can eat. I feel the warmth of the sun, the coolness of the breeze and I’ve reclaimed my original hot bloodedness. Yes, no more freezing myself blue even on the warmest of days. No need to wear a huge coat over my pretty floral top. *whispering tone* I even sweat on hot days, gasp! But more importantly than my body healing, is the freeness that my mind is beginning to take on. For way too long I lived in a state of mental fog. I had a set routine that I would stick to – day in, day out. Reading an entry from an older journal, in my words ” I am going through the daily motions without feeling an ounce of enjoyment”. I was in a permanent state of depression and yet I could not see that I was bringing it upon myself. The regular outdoor chores I used to enjoy doing became just that; a chore. I assumed that it was in my personality to be serious and boring. But my gosh, I can laugh and I love it! I may or may not be giggling for absolutely nothing as I type this.
I can’t get over how blinded I was to all this as I slid into the worse of it. Reading became impossible – unless we talking diet books – due to my inability to focus. I guess that’s the reality of an ED. And it’s so amazing how in that state I felt ‘fine’ in a way. I sort of accepted my unhappiness.
As the months of nourishing my body go by, I feel my mind getting sharper, my thoughts clearer and I actually go through periods of feeling energetic and experiencing exhaustion. Before I was numb to any feeling really. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to be active or not because I would be exercising anyway. My body didn’t even get a chance to let me know how it felt. Funny thing is, I am more lazier than ever before. I am more content to chill instead of continuously pushing myself to work. And I am happier than I’ve been in a long long time.