Home » Recovery » Afraid of the dark

Afraid of the dark

I don’t want to lie to myself or anyone reading, and I hope that my post on intuitive-eating-my-take didn’t imply that I’m recovered and done with food issues and suddenly learned how to eat like a normal person. That is clearly not so. And if you are going or have gone through the same thing with an ED or similar, you will know exactly the dramatic highs and lows experienced. There are periods of what feels like being completely removed from ED thoughts which can be followed by feeling like your thinking is the same as when you started. Whew! Glad I got that off my chest 🙂

 Everyone around me knows my sleeping pattern pretty well. I’m early to bed (most some of the time) and an early riser. Even on those 202 days I have gone to bed really late I’ve still been up early, albeit not bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Breakfast happens pretty early for me, resulting in the rest of my meals eaten all earlier compare to those around me.

Before I used to be in the habit of saving my calories for the evening – nothing new or surprising – but gradually I’ve been weaning off that, realizing that as the day draws to an end my appetite levels off as long as I’d eaten enough during the day. And while that seems well and good, there are times where eating enough earlier comes from a negative place. Instead of just looking at it as eating when I’m hungry, I sometimes think of it as ‘eating now so I won’t be hungry later’ because I know what happens when I eat alot at night; I’ll just end up eating more than necessary because I’m so tired. So I fixate on the fact that nights are for eating sleeping and my last meal should be filling but healthy. Filling because I have learned that sleeping even while slightly hungry is not achievable for me. Healthy in order to prevent me to go for more as that’s what tends to happen when I eat a cookie or cake. Suddenly I’m so hungry and want a piece of chocolate too or another cookie and that I can’t deal with. It’s happened before yes. Did I refuse myself? No. Did I turn into a whale? No. But I just dislike dealing with the emotions and feelings that arise after that sort of thing. I’m sure any normal person would like more of something sugary sometimes and yet they know it’s not good for them so they stop at one or not have any. In my case, wouldn’t it be normal behaviour instead of ‘restricting’ if I had eaten well through the day? During the day I have no little trouble eating something less-than-healthy. Same goes for when I’m out and about in the evening; I don’t over think what I’m eating and move on. But when I’m home and everyone around me is into the whole ‘THE NIGHT IS YOUNG’ thing, and here I am settling in for bed, my thoughts run something like this “I totally ate enough today, and I better go to bed before I start getting hungry again and can’t fall asleep”.

Am I stuck if I still have these issues..being afraid of eating at night because I’ve been up early and already eaten my fill. No I am not actively counting calories but I am aware of how much food I’ve eaten in a day, and since I have an early start it’s much more than those that start later and their last meal is much later. I guess I become confused – when I’m tired – if I am eating out of hunger or just because. You might think that since I do need to gain I’d just eat!? But I don’t want to return to my healthy weight over a short time as I think that would be very anxiety provoking.

I have made so many strides in getting to a better place, but it’s these deeper issues that feel as though they may linger forever.

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