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Inadequacy

Yesterday’s breakfast rocked my taste buds

                            Overnight oats stirred with cinnamon, topped with a crumbled bran muffin, blueberries and Peanut butterBLACKBERRY 001

After a night of humidity we literally awake to a heat wave. Turning on the stove is a task of torture. Lucky for me, my love of overnight oats and yogurt bowls means that breakfast still remains my favorite meal of the day.

As much as I’d like to bore you to death dedicate an entire post to all things breakfasty, I want to delve into more serious things. Remember how I admitted to my perfectionist ways that prove more detrimental to me than it serves helpful? Well I am surprised to find that feeling like I’m not –  ‘good enough’, ‘doing enough’ still fires within me on a daily basis..thankfully not in the same dangerous degree. Now that I’m thinking more clearly I’m beginning to pick up what exactly initiates such negativity. I notice that when a close family member (who I see on a daily basis) gives me something, and the reason is because they feel I work hard/help out alot, I find myself fighting to refuse the gift. Where another person will accept it graciously, I figure its simply easier to refuse because by accepting it I feel compelled to work harder..to do more..to deserve this, as I don’t feel I’m doing well enough anyways. At the same time I know full well that I’m under stress and putting additional pressure on myself will not be healthy. So easy way out is not take anything ‘extra’ that I believe I didn’t earn (?)

It’s amazing how I can take such a positive situation like gift-giving and twist it into a breeding ground for misery.

This ‘deserving’ issue features in so many ways in my day to day doings. You know how a person would sometime just sit down and watch tv? I can’t do that. I have to plan it in my day and I’d only be comfortable and guilt-free if I had made a good dent in my work pile. Same with going out – I went to out to eat yesterday, there is no way I will give myself permission to eat out again today. Goodness “how can I go out two days in succession? I should be finishing up work or doing something productive!”

Of course there have been times where I went against these pointless rules I’ve set for myself – I’m a rebel at heart (to an extent) – but not without paying the price of having to silence shaming and berating thoughts running through my mind.

It’s high time I made an effort to stop. I’m special. I deserve..to take time out for myself, to do things purely for my hapiness and enjoyment, to rest when I feel like it, to not feel this urgent need that everything I do has to benefit someone/something else.

Whose with me on this?

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4 thoughts on “Inadequacy

  1. I can totally relate, girl. I have a perfectionist attitude that can do more harm than good for me as well. It definitely became more pronounced when I struggled with ED as well because of the constant mindset that “I don’t deserve such and such food.” Just know that you are beautiful, and so worth it in the eyes of your loved ones and even in the eyes of some kind strangers. Don’t get discouraged when you think this way though. You’re not alone! ♥
    PS— those overnight oats looks so good! My favorite breakfast 🙂

  2. Pingback: Thinking Out Loud #22 Brace yourselves! | pathofdiscoveryblog

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