I haven’t brought up the exercise factor too much on here..only because it hasn’t been an ‘issue’ with cutting down. Partly because my body feels genuinely too tired to work further and exhaust itself. I tried cutting out completely. Yeah that lasted for approximately 3 weeks before I felt an impossible-to-ignore urge to get some sort of movement in my day that could count as ‘my workout for the day’, as a ‘time for my thoughts’. In the little break I took, I wouldn’t say I gained any weight, but I lost alot of muscle – which actually made me appear thinner – and with it a significant amount of strength. I don’t think I’d ever be able to wrap by brain around it but during my ED I would..run a number of miles without pain, heck I was totally numb..scaled a mountain with barely breaking a sweat..do an hour of cardio after playing 50 min. of sport. Arrgh! My amazing body pushed through it all despite the toll it was taking. What contributed to the lack of feel?
Yes I cringe at what I put myself through..it all seems so unnecessary and unreal.. that I could bring such unhappiness upon myself. I try to remember that it was not a ‘waste’ of my life, all of it served in shaping me and will continue to impact on the personality that I am.
I have to say that my approach to exercise has taken such a complete turn, without me even trying too hard..when I sit back and think about it I get all sorts of giddy at how much improvement I’ve made in that aspect. The day’s movement depends on a) how I’m feeling b) how much time I have and what I’m in the mood for.
Now I’m going to be totally honest here..I’m not sure if my reasons are coming from an unhealthy or shallow mindset, but I have this need to try to keep myself as toned as possible while gaining. And I actually believe there’s nothing wrong with choosing to do low impact workouts as a means of holding onto some muscle tone; for me right now that’s alternating between treadmill walks and Pilates. I know I’m going to have to keep an eye on the way I look at ‘exercise’, to ensure that I don’t allow my workout program to take a hold of me, where I become anxious and moody should I not fit in my walk for the day.