As I move through different phases of recovery, I keep thinking “ohhhh so this is now what recovery feels like. I only thought I was in true recovery earlier.” Only to be proven wrong as I enter yet another different period of it. But looking at it as a whole, it is all a continuous part of recovery..ever-changing..mentally and physically. The past week has been..shocking. I thought I had left all the soreness and fatigue behind me in the beginning stages; well what do I know?
Very little Zilch apparently. My body has taken over and is now in charge. I can’t even work up the energy to argue and insist I get in my Pilates session or ignore hunger sensations. For the most part I am anxious and scared, yet..there’s a definite sense of freedom and exhilaration. It’s like jumping off a cliff, but instead of falling to my death I’m suspended on the breeze. At the same time I’m worried that at any moment I may fall..or realize that I don’t like flying and I’d rather be ‘safe’ on the ground but I’m too high up to return. A few months back I thought I had it all figured out; I was going to add in an extra healthy snack and allow myself one treat every single day to increase calories – to gain weight healthfully – all the while keeping up a regular low-impact exercise regimen. Well here I am, I haven’t done any ‘exercise’ for a few days now..my hunger hasn’t decreased as I reassured myself by saying it would and my cravings are all over the show.
I’ve seen a few “Dear Body” letters floating around over time – I can’t recall which blogs exactly – and I simply fell in love with the aspect. I think I would really benefit from writing one to myself right now; to keep me shouldering on, to remind myself why my body may be feeling the way it is and a few of the many reasons that I should honor and take care of it .
I know at times it seems like I couldn’t care less about you; like I’m set on seeing your weaknesses and flaws. But there is a part of me that truly admires you…that respects you for your strength and courage..your ability to pull through. For so long I continued to almost destroy you with my choice of sport with countless of falls that left me battered and bruised. Coupled with fueling you insufficiently, it was a recipe for disaster. Yet your fighting spirit is spellbounding. I was only concerned about what ‘I’ wanted to do, ignoring your welfare and happiness. The rush of adrenaline, the goal of becoming my best at the sport, the joy that I got from performing well…yet how can it be a good thing at the expense of my physical health? How could I be so selfish..when after each injury I couldn’t wait to get back at it, resenting the pain that ‘slowed’ me down. I thought that by stopping what was hurting me and giving you rest would make me appear weak and I couldn’t bear to let my strong shield crumble. I’m sorry for pushing you to do an hour of cardio after playing 50 min. of sport just so I could feel justified in eating cake that day. I will do my best to give you cake on any day you ask for it regardless of how much you moved. I’m trying hard to stop myself from forcing you to move when you feel tired beyond words; I seem to forget that a few years of damage cannot be healed in a matter of weeks. There are so many things I don’t understand about you and I guess it will always be a challenge to keep silent and trust you because you are definitely more intelligent than I give you credit for. I can’t figure out why you seem to become slightly puffy after a little while of being on the move. It was never like that a year or so ago. And after a good night’s rest or a long time of lying down you lose the puffiness. At first I refused to believe that was happening..it seemed so ridiculous. But I’ve seen it on so many occasions that I can’t deny that even light exercise seems to be having a negative effect on you. Is it your way of saying you don’t want to move? I ‘m thinking off cutting out my 3x a week 40 min. walks or bringing it down..but then it seems to be universally accepted that the body needs to get movement at least 150 min. a week. Do I need to make an exception for you? I would so love to magically become in tune with you, to understand what you need, when. But I know it’s going to be a long time of countless trial and error before I can live in harmony with you. The last few nights proved very frustrating for me..when after an hour of trying to sleep I finally picked up on your requests for more food. And the fact that until you got it sleep was out of the question. My mind is too tired to fight you, so for now I’m sure you are happy that I’m handing the reins to you. We can heal together. I know you are wary of trusting me and how can I blame you? I have proven to be the most unreliable of keepers. Yet I only have one of you and I’ll make you this promise: I will do the best I possibly can.