It feels like I’ve put on more weight in the past 2 weeks than I have in a month. And how do I feel about it? Weird. I’m happy that I’m not outright upset with it…but neither am I entirely pleased. There are moments in the day where I feel uncomfortable catching a glance at my ‘beefier’ arms. But then again it’s quite awesome to have my clothing ‘sit’ on me instead of hang. Of course I still have the tendency to scrutinize how much bigger my legs look in jeans…duhh, I should be thankful it’s starting to fit better. Yes I know these are just outer appearances and they do not matter in the big picture. At the risk of sounding shallow, I have to talk about it because it does play on my mind and trying to push it aside without getting it ‘out there’ kind of defeats the purpose of why I am blogging in the first place.
Let’s take a quick peek at yesterday’s breakfast to give our minds a breather: Overnight oats, made in yogurt and coconut milk
The explosion of flavors in every mouthful was delightful. Creamy, cold, chewy, sweet, salty, crunchy..good stuff.
I want to keep in mind the many reasons I believe in my heart that I should be very happy with gaining. I’m ready to take on the way I naturally am..instead of fighting to remain something I’m not. I didn’t start of with the intention to lose weight, I wasn’t a person struggling with body image ever, surrounded by family who has the most intuitive, diet-free mentality. Neither did I decide to suddenly eat clean. In a need to achieve a sense of control and reach a height of perfection I had in mind – as I felt like I was hopelessly failing in other areas of my life – I started restricting my intake and cardiong something crazy. I was also incredibly stressed out..so for most of the time didn’t feel my hunger, making it effortlessly simple to waste away. I didn’t have a goal number in mind and I wasn’t weighing myself at.all. I was simply feeding off the satisfaction of being a success at something. From there stemmed my ‘change of diet’. My fear of fats, my loss of sweet teeth, the long list of forbidden foods, the hard and fast law that NO FOOD IS EATEN TWICE in one day! Hah, how hideous! Somewhere along the way I started believing that it was about staying thin. That I was doing it solely to keep my weight down. But that couldn’t be further from the truth! Did I ever think I was thin ‘enough’? No. Half of my wardrobe was un-wearable because it was too big..where’s the fun in that? These days the only time I feel free from my ED is when the other areas of my life is flourishing and stress is low. The problem is.. I am prone to anxiousness, and stress over every little thing, and being involved in a job that brings with it a high level of mental baggage doesn’t make things easy. I’m actually having to take a step back and look at what is disturbing me and focus on doing things which takes my mind off the feeling that “I am no longer in control“. ( I am hoping to go into more detail on the issues regarding feeling ‘in control’ and what I think is making me unhappy at times – in the near future – which frankly has nothing to do with food or weight. At least it seems that way right now.)
I didn’t consider my thinness attractive..I remember wearing a poloneck to hide my protruding collar bones. I was hesitant to hug anybody for fear of them feeling my skeletony self. I hated being in photographs..letting people see how thin I really was. Which is why, as much as the layers of clothes were to keep me warm in the depths of winter (I was certain I would freeze to death..I could not tolerate the cold at all), they served well in hiding me from concerned eyes. I stopped wearing short sleeves for the same reasons above. Only now am I taking all this into consideration and realizing that I was never after being thin after all. I was chasing happiness. I don’t feel I took the wrong route…I’m just taking the long way around.
I’m not saying I am totally at ease with getting heavier…but it’s getting easier for me to see that striving for unnatural thinness is not my prime concern at all! It’s only the result of trying to take my focus of what is really causing me unhappiness, however miniscule it may be. That said, I know that gaining weight is not going to be a piece of cake and I’m unsure of how my mindset will change and develop. Only time will tell.