After any given period of honoring my hunger well, I experience tremendous mental de-clogging. Ok so that just sounds gross! What happens is, my thoughts become clearer on so many levels it’s quite troublesome really. Awhile back a similar thing happened after about a week of increased intake. I saw that I failed to mention the conflicting thoughts running me dizzy; mostly because it felt too personal to share..then. This time around it’s even more poignant.
I start second guessing things..contradicting myself with things that I believed brought me enjoyment. Suddenly I’m
thinking certain that I want to study something else. I’m tired and worn out from current endeavours. I want out. What, really? No wait, this kind of feeling passes. It’s just momentarily. The kind of momentarily that keeps rearing its head when there’s enough food in the belly for the mind to actually ponder on things! So it must mean something. Of course the recent inspiring articles I’ve read on doing the thing that makes you happy has struck a chord in me. Ever heard that saying: “follow your heart but take your brain with you”? Being the extremist that I am it’s no surprise that I’ve ended up following my brain – that granted, does a good job in making me ‘see’ the logic – while numbing myself to what my heart hankers for.
That said..life is not a fairytale; where I can drop something like a hot rock just because it isn’t my passion. There are so many factors to bring into consideration! Will I be happy with making things difficult for my loved ones around me? Am I willing to accept the consequences of having no extra pocket-money so I can start on following a total different route, without knowing where it will take me? I feel like I’ve been looking for happiness elsewhere for far too long..going about my job..while yearning to do something else. Perhaps it’s time I started soaking in the joy surrounding me and stop trying to get out of the one thing in my life which I’m less-than-happy about. I am doing a good job – by what everyone is telling me. I bet you that if I had to lay my life out for someone, they would tell me I’m living a dream. I am blessed. It’s time to be grateful. I am loved. It’s time to believe it. There is happiness inside of me. It’s time I found it. What am I chasing? What more am I looking for?
There is everything right with pursuing ones every little dream..but at what cost? I have to see it all for what it is. Reality. I might not love my current job because I have interests in other fields..but I love that I’m working and improving. I have always wanted to earn an income and I’m doing that. I have to make a conscious decision for myself; that I can and I will keep the fire of my passions burning, but as a pastime. Until the time is right. In the meantime..I’m going to be happy. And one of the many things that made me happy today:
Mexican food My idea of mexican food! Well it is unanimously accepted that throwing salsa and avocado on something automatically deems it mexican fare. After the queen of Mexico sparked a craving with her Five Things Friday post, it just had to happen. What we have in the bowl is..mashed butternut squash mixed with shredded chicken, topped with a load of salsa, avocado and the compulsory black pepper. Eaten with rye crackers and a salad.
That could be a major factor contributing to my ‘incomplete’ life. I am almost embarrassed to admit that in all my 18 years I have never
communicated worked with chocolate chips! Because not a single store I frequented in my area had them. I could sue! In fact I still might…I had to splash out 75 bucks (rands) on these buggers. It’s a sin I tell you! Of course I felt really guilty for a full hour afterward. Always happens when I can’t justify my purchase with “at least it’s healthy”. But its food for my soul..so there!