I could just get on as usual and showcase Monday’s eats..but on that particular day I was very aware of hidden thoughts behind those meals. I am actually comfortable talking about it now, because I am doing a good job – most of the time – in brushing it aside and eating what I want. I’m proud with how far I have come..but in no way do I go about every day as a normal individual seeing food as just food. And simply pasting up my meals gives that appearance. ED behaviours and thoughts are so difficult to unlearn..many underlying issues has become so habitual that it feels normal to me. But I wonder how many think the same way while putting together a meal and so forth?
Not too long ago, I used to be the person who has to eat breakfast in the first 30 min. of waking or there would be bloodshed. With certain ‘stuff’ going on nowadays..I’m only ‘free’ about an hour later. As long as I eat my last meal the day before quite late..things remain civil..so far so good! I decided on a random, quick breakfast
Coffee on the side 🙂 . Now here’s the thing; I
don’t like to am scared to eat two slices of rye toast at one meal. They’re more than your average slice of bread and it just seemed like too much on Monday morning even though I was very, very hungry. After breakfast I didn’t feel truly satisfied. I was no longer starving, but I didn’t feel quite done eating. I had other things that I wanted to do, so I got on with brushing my teeth and figured I’ll wait and see if I was really hungry a little later.
Turns out I was hungry. Being a scorcher of a day meant ice-cream at 10 AM..boy was I glad to find this in the freezer
Straight from the tub..conveniance! Don’t you just love it when it’s down to the end and you just grab a spoon without worrying about a fancy shmancy bowl? I was absolutely care-free eating this. I wasn’t even bothered to look at serving sizes/calories/macros and didn’t care how much servings worth I was eating. I was hungry and I was eating.
When lunchtime rolled around I wanted something creamy and savory that had a crunchy component involved.
I went with the flavors my taste buds were craving and mixed together some tuna with hummus and salsa. Cucumber and black pepper thrown in for good measure. I almost backed out of going with my mix-ins because my mind suddenly yelled out “tuna, hummus and salsa? Too much salt in one dish. Plus the crackers most likely have salt.” Oh what to do? I looked at the avocado in the fridge, wondering if I should put that in place of the salsa. You know..because fat is no longer the enemy..salt is. Can’t be friends with everything now can we? Buuut, I wasn’t feeling avo..and as you can see, I took a deep breath..told myself to shut up and went with what I wanted from the start.
About an hour later, along with some Green Tea..
Since I had
all most of the ingredients on hand and I wanted to put those overpriced Hershey’s chocolate chips to good use, I committed myself to get some baking done in the afternoon. After like years. So here’s where I admit; I hate baking. Ok so hate is a strong word. I dislike baking. Yeah I know, what kind of person am I? The kind who doesn’t like to bake apparently. Baking is supposed to be therapeutic and all that jazz. But I’m a ball of stress..all that measuring, pouring, mixing, splattering,timing and taking out of the tins always makes me nervous. And the stickiness! Let’s not even go there. Of course the end result is worth it. Especially working with a foolproof recipe for Flourless double chocolate chip muffins. I had no flax so I omitted and used peanut butter for my choice of nut butter. I came out with 8 muffins. I’m sure it’s because I didn’t fill up the 1/2 cup of nut butter. It’s just that I was watching my beloved pb jar becoming less and less, I wasn’t sure when we would be visiting the store that stocks my favorite pb..and I couldn’t take it hahaa! I used a little less than 1/4 cup of honey too, as I was using milk chocolate chips and I didn’t want it too sweet. I like my chocolate cakes/muffins bittersweet, rich and satisfying…and they turned out all that!
I blame and thank Amanda for getting me in the kitchen with her drool-worthy photos and yes..easy for even the-baker-who-sucks recipe 😉
An evening snack was an old stand-by
I had a bowl of overnight oats sitting in the fridge for when the craving strikes – hardcore addict here! That became dinner
with some Rooibos tea. I had abit of an issue deciding between jam or honey. Our current jam has sugar and I already had honey in my muffin today! I took a quick moment of silence to clear everything out of my brain and go with the taste that I was in the mood for..no strings attached. Jam after all! I ate at around 8:30 and after some family time and bed-prepping I was snuggled up and ready for La La land at 10. I began to wonder if I was full ‘enough’ to sleep..a very logical part of me said I should be, because I usually have that for breakfast and it holds me over quite well.
To stop this from turning into a best-selling novel..I’ll shave off the gory details and just say something we all know: sleep is not possible on an even remotely ‘hungry’ belly. I ended up dragging myself up for a lullaby
bad good guys are not going to be around for very long!
Tell me..do you experience more mental conflict regarding what you should eat/shouldn’t on some days more than others?
I find since I am ‘prepared’ to feed myself, it’s now a matter of unlearning – what I find normal but supposedly isn’t – habits that has built up during my ED.