Home » Recovery » WIAW painting the right picture

WIAW painting the right picture

I could just get on as usual and showcase Monday’s eats..but on that particular day I was very aware of hidden thoughts behind those meals. I am actually comfortable talking about it now, because I am doing a good job – most of the time – in brushing it aside and eating what I want. I’m proud with how far I have come..but in no way do I go about every day as a normal individual seeing food as just food. And simply pasting up my meals gives that appearance. ED behaviours and thoughts are so difficult to unlearn..many underlying issues has become so habitual that it feels normal to me. But I wonder how many think the same way while putting together a meal and so forth?

WIAWbutton Linking up with the veggie-loving Jenn who hosts the party at http://peasandcrayons.com

Not too long ago, I used to be the person who has to eat breakfast in the first 30 min. of waking or there would be bloodshed. With certain ‘stuff’ going on nowadays..I’m only ‘free’ about an hour later. As long as I eat my last meal the day before quite late..things remain civil..so far so good! I decided on a random, quick breakfast

   Rye toast with peanut butter and banana. Yogurt dizzled with honey.breakfast

Coffee on the side 🙂 . Now here’s the thing; I don’t like to am scared to eat two slices of rye toast at one meal. They’re more than your average slice of bread and it just seemed like too much on Monday morning even though I was very, very hungry. After breakfast I didn’t feel truly satisfied. I was no longer starving, but I didn’t feel quite done eating. I had other things that I wanted to do, so I got on with brushing my teeth and figured I’ll wait and see if I was really hungry a little later.

Turns out I was hungry. Being a scorcher of a day meant ice-cream at 10 AM..boy was I glad to find this in the freezer 

toffee shortcake

Delicious!

ice-cream

Straight from the tub..conveniance! Don’t you just love it when it’s down to the end and you just grab a spoon without worrying about a fancy shmancy bowl? I was absolutely care-free eating this. I wasn’t even bothered to look at serving sizes/calories/macros and didn’t care how much servings worth I was eating. I was hungry and I was eating.

When lunchtime rolled around I wanted something creamy and savory that had a crunchy component involved.

tuna salad, rye crackers, broccolilunch-tuna salad

I went with the flavors my taste buds were craving and mixed together some tuna with hummus and salsa. Cucumber and black pepper thrown in for good measure. I almost backed out of going with my mix-ins because my mind suddenly yelled out “tuna, hummus and salsa? Too much salt in one dish. Plus the crackers most likely have salt.” Oh what to do? I looked at the avocado in the fridge, wondering if I should put that in place of the salsa. You know..because fat is no longer the enemy..salt is. Can’t be friends with everything now can we? Buuut, I wasn’t feeling avo..and as you can see, I took a deep breath..told myself to shut up and went with what I wanted from the start.

About an hour later, along with some Green Tea..

Butternut roasted in coconut oil, Macadamia butterroast butternut

Since I had all most of the ingredients on hand and I wanted to put those overpriced Hershey’s chocolate chips to good use, I committed myself to get some baking done in the afternoon. After like years. So here’s where I admit; I hate baking. Ok so hate is a strong word. I dislike baking. Yeah I know, what kind of person am I? The kind who doesn’t like to bake apparently. Baking is supposed to be therapeutic and all that jazz. But I’m a ball of stress..all that measuring, pouring, mixing, splattering,timing and taking out of the tins always makes me nervous. And the stickiness! Let’s not even go there. Of course the end result is worth it. Especially working with a foolproof recipe for Flourless double chocolate chip muffins. I had no flax so I omitted and used peanut butter for my choice of nut butter. I came out with 8 muffins. I’m sure it’s because I didn’t fill up the 1/2 cup of nut butter. It’s just that I was watching my beloved pb jar becoming less and less, I wasn’t sure when we would be visiting the store that stocks my favorite pb..and I couldn’t take it hahaa! I used a little less than 1/4 cup of honey too, as I was using milk chocolate chips and I didn’t want it too sweet. I like my chocolate cakes/muffins bittersweet, rich and satisfying…and they turned out all that!

chocolate muffin

Alongside a glass of cold milk..this unplanned snack was heavenly.muffin and milk

I blame and thank Amanda for getting me in the kitchen with her drool-worthy photos and yes..easy for even the-baker-who-sucks recipe 😉

An evening snack was an old stand-by

Chips and Lemon ginger teaBKBites 006

Recycled pic.

I had a bowl of overnight oats sitting in the fridge for when the craving strikes – hardcore addict here! That became dinner

Coconut milk o.oats

with some Rooibos tea. I had abit of an issue deciding between jam or honey. Our current jam has sugar and I already had honey in my muffin today!  I took a quick moment of silence to clear everything out of my brain and go with the taste that I was in the mood for..no strings attached. Jam after all! I ate at around 8:30 and after some family time and bed-prepping I was snuggled up and ready for La La land at 10. I began to wonder if I was full ‘enough’ to sleep..a very logical part of me said I should be, because I usually have that for breakfast and it holds me over quite well.

To stop this from turning into a best-selling novel..I’ll shave off the gory details and just say something we all know: sleep is not possible on an even remotely ‘hungry’ belly. I ended up dragging myself up for a lullaby

Another glorious muffin with unpictured chilled milkchocolate muffin

These bad good guys are not going to be around for very long!

Tell me..do you experience more mental conflict regarding what you should eat/shouldn’t on some days more than others?

I find since I am ‘prepared’ to feed myself, it’s now a matter of unlearning – what I find normal but supposedly isn’t – habits that has built up during my ED.

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12 thoughts on “WIAW painting the right picture

  1. It’s amazing to hear how well you’re doing in listening to your actual needs especially when it means acting against the ED voice. I know the mental struggle -too- well and even after coming a way it’s still there for me at times. But it really gets easier by the time and it seems like you did a great job unlearning the behaviours. Be proud of yourself, girl!

  2. Awwr yay! I’m glad I could get you in the kitchen to whip up some delicious treats — baking can definitely be a little messy, but the end result is more than worth it.

    I used to really struggle with disordered thoughts around meals, and I honestly never thought it would get better, but over time they faded to the point where I feel pretty normal now. You just need to keep challenging them and realize that nothing bad happens when you do. That and the freedom just becomes addicting 🙂

    • The end result alone is enough to have me plan my next baking episode… I think I should do some meditation before-hand so I’m in a nice, Zen state 😉

      Yesss the snippets of freedom I’ve gotten a taste of keeps me trucking along!

  3. That breakfast is just perfect. All the best foods! You know what, I would’ve been scared to have a second slice of rye bread too, I do consider myself essentially ‘fine’ with food now, but I have this weird fear still of ‘feeling too full’. But I get around it by simply going back and eating more a bit later (just like you did), and that way I figure it’s ok. I expect that *some* of the slightly strange/disordered thoughts around food might always linger, but as long as I’m eating enough and enjoy what I eat, I can live with that. Besides, I genuinely doubt most ‘normal’ people are 100% emotionally indifferent to what and when they eat anyway, I think that’s hardly possibly in our society. But as Amanda and Miss Polkadot said, it really does get easier and easier.

    Oh and you know what has disappeared completely? The urge to read food labels. Funny, I hadn’t really thought about that until I read your comment about eating the ice cream without checking serving size etc. I used to be *obsessed* with food labels but weirdly I hadn’t even noticed that never read them anymore.

    Really should try making those muffins too, they look yummy!

    • “The dreaded fear of feeling too full”.. that plays a big role in it all. It’s funny how a particular day might feel splendidly care-free, and the day after I could struggle.

      It’s awesome that you’ve lost the label obsession. That’s a hard one to kick. I find even though I’m not tallying up my calories I feel ‘safe’ in knowing the calories in a chocolate bar etc.

      Those muffins are incredible 🙂

  4. That ice cream looks amazing. I’m really bad at keeping ice cream at home so I usually go out for expensive yet local ice cream. It’s a good splurge and I’m done. If I keep it in the house, it’s a bad situation. 🙂

  5. Pingback: “Healthy” is a state of mind | pathofdiscoveryblog

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