I told briefly of the get-together I was attending yesterday, and truth be told, I had absolutely no intention of doing any sort of recap. It’s personal..I didn’t take any pictures.. and I didn’t think there would be anything majorly significant to dedicate a post to. Well let me tell you..those 4 hours made history! In my world that is.
I went with an open mind, totally unsure of how my emotions and attitude was going to pan out. It’s no secret on this blog that I have little understanding of my own personality and more often than not, can’t figure out why I feel the way I do.
Yesterday was magical. It was all people I hadn’t seen for a long time..who hadn’t seen me in my worst of my anorexia.. I don’t think they even know about it. I can’t get over the amount of joy in the air! Gahhh! Every person – warm, delightful – most importantly unconcerned about, or rather uninterested in touching on issues of thin, diet, fat talk. There was not a single comment of “oh, you lost weight” or “You look so well” <-yes that causes me discomfort..we all know that when there are ladies around that kind of talk is usually unavoidable. Now that I’m thinking back..we had too much to discuss – meaningful chats on careers, fashion, marriage (LOL), with a good dose of humor thrown un-judged on every topic. Surrounded by loved ones, in a carefree environment – I transformed! The responsibilities lying heavily on my shoulders – which am I always aware of – dropped from my thought stream. I was bursting with energy and happiness making walking normally an effort, so I took to skipping along
like a 5 year old in the glorious sunshine (it was a picnic kinda thing). I couldn’t help myself! I had turned into this chatty, bubbly person who I had a hard time recognising to be me! A few times it crossed my mind “Who am I really? Is this just a put-on? But I’m so happy and I’m not trying to be this way!”. My best friend from Primary school was there. I had only seen her once in the past year – 2 months ago – and not at all at the height of my ED. After being around me for a little while, she put her arm around me and said, ” From the time I know you, you haven’t changed. You will always be my best friend.” It was the best compliment evvver and put my doubts to rest. It was me! All me!
I don’t know what it was that clicked in me for that time-span, but when it came to eating..there was no mental baggage!! *grins giddily* It was like the food -just for that period- was void of any calories. My mind was not doing its usual ‘pacifying act’ in trying to get me to feel better about eating; “food is nourishment” “you need it”. It simply wasn’t necessary. There was no need to gain happiness by attaining a sense of control. I helped myself to what sounded good to me at the time. I cannot comprehend how I had regular pasta along with a regular garlic roll..without giving it a second thought. I mean if you put that in front of me now..there is no way I’ll have it together! Followed by two desserts :). I had no arguments with having a little of both. I came back with a full heart, arms warm from all the hugs, a happy tum and extra freckles on my cheeks from prancing in the sun.
If only the free-ness could last forever. Of course things changed while deciding on dinner back home. I actually was really craving fresh salad greens but I wanted to keep my meal in itself ‘light’. Why? I can’t tell myself. So I went with one of my go-to’s..tuna with one scrambled egg in a wrap. I wasn’t surprised I was hankering something else afterward. In the back of my mind I knew that while I had eaten more indulgently in the day..I had eaten small servings and that obviously seemed to be catching up to me. There was freshly baked bread pudding and bran muffins, but I convinced myself I wasn’t craving either. I went for some of my Choc chip blondies
Perfectly delicious. But not enough.
You’d think I’d be done? I thought so too. But if anything, the above just sparked up my hunger(?) craving(?) levels and I must say I do feel a touch of guilt at going back to have some bread pudding and a muffin that I was so certain I didn’t want. I’m not going to lie..I feel upset with myself from doing a crap job of listening to myself last night. I can’t help thinking on the lines of; “if I just had it from the beginning maybe I wouldn’t have needed the other snacks.” Live and learn right. At least I slept amazingly well.