“Going no-where slowly”. That’s how yesterday – in the work department – felt for me. All started off fairly well; I tackled one project head-on but at the end I struggled to iron out a few issues. I kept at it for too long to be considered productive, trying various methods..getting no further. Frustrated, I moved on to the next big thing on my work list. And heyyy, it resulted in a painfully similar outcome. When I looked at the watch I felt too stunned to process my feelings..half the day had gone. Since I was already running behind my accustomed schedule – my tummy was voicing its disapproval – I didn’t stop to think and just went with the flow of getting lots of food in me and some chill time.
When I got back at it much later (the upside of having my own hours) I started on yet another area, leaving the other two queries aside because I couldn’t bear to look at it. I instinctively reached for ‘regular paperwork’ that comes in daily and that I have little, if any problem getting through. While I was working on that, an email came letting me know that Project no.2 that I had gotten stuck on previously in the day needed to be brought in tomorrow. Oh joy. It was already late and I was losing mental motivation. There wasn’t that much to get done..I needed to clear some things with the person in charge and summarise it – is all. But I think the fact that I just felt so sick of it all by then, set me up for a dark mood come evening. Maybe I just wanted to match our current dreary weather I am so in love with?
In all seriousness though, a rising cloud of awfulness was building up within me…and proceeded to long after I had left my working environment. No one cares if I’m struggling. I should just stop eating. By eating well I am making everyone happy..they think I am ok. They worry when I don’t eat. Well I don’t feel ok. I should feel ok because I am blessed and I am lucky, but I don’t! It does sound like I’m headed for disaster with that stream of dangerous thoughts, but I know that I am too far in and much too wise to consider falling back into restriction. Ignoring my hunger is not an option and I have been through that enough to realise that I will not be fixing things by restricting. On the contrary I will dig myself deeper into despair and for what? Only to creep back into my shell where I feel nothing and I am numb to my emotions. No thank you. Besides I’ve discovered I love food. Yes I don’t despise it..or fear it. But I digress. All that build-up has got to let out somewhere right? And why does it choose the total inappropriate moment when I’m busy outside with my hands full of hay and no way to wipe away the trickle of tears. I might have done well to just let it flow. Using the fresh, chilly air to my advantage I held back on what could have been a little messy sobfest. It just felt like the last thing I needed right there. I felt my heart race and my breath catch like it always does when I push away feelings of anxiety I don’t quite understand. I was grateful there was no humans nearby at the time..I couldn’t bring any out words steadily.
I chatted to my Mum abit that night, about how I felt..after pondering on it myself. It turns out I was dealing with feeling un-accomplished after the way the day had turned out. Upset with myself for not achieving what I thought to be enough, bitter towards those around me because they couldn’t help me in any way and that they didn’t say anything -in my opinion- to ease my worries. And once the dark cloud started to lift..angry and embarrassed for behaving so foolishly. It just so happens that the past few nights I’ve been sleeping excellently well, and one would think with my stress level having sky-rocketed, sleep would be
difficult immpossible last night? On the contrary I lulled off easily and slept soundly! Must be all the good food 😉 .
Yesterday’s episode worn off, I feel like a totally different person today. Grateful, happy, motivated, energised, content. And I didn’t get every.single.thing done but the huge difference: none of that mental destruction going on. I was tempted to just leave yesterday as one of those days..gone..pfft! But as much as everyone has those less-than-stellar days..I have got to learn to manage my outlook on them in a less disparaging manner. I mean, did you see what I did there!? I turned an averagely imperfect few hours into a day-long misery by my own criticizing mind. No one reprimanded me for my unfulfilled day, or expected better results from me besides myself.
writing it out on paper typing it out on screen is like a form of therapy..helping me to get a view of myself and my attitude. And hopefully deal with it better in the future.