It’s one thing to ramble on how well I’m progressing..and I am. But the true test comes at a time you least expect it; shocks you to the core..gets your mind racing..sends your anxiety levels through the roof.
“You are looking nice and healthy now, hey! I’m so happy..You don’t know how happy I am.” said by a very close loved one. Last night. Near my bed-time. The one person who obviously doesn’t know how my twisted mind works. Waiiit…do I know how my mind works?? The words hit the breath out of me, like a punch to the chest. “Uuhhhhhh…..” I couldn’t generate a cohesive word, but my thoughts were running along with no direction..my mind desperately trying to invoke an automatic negative reaction from within me. I couldn’t. Those hateful self-destructive thoughts were buried under an emotion I don’t usually associate with these kind of remarks. Irritation. I was annoyed that after all this time, there was still a chance of the people I live with, making a triggering remark. I thought they knew better. I almost felt..defeated. This way I’d have to keep my ‘guard’ on..who knows when it will strike! I went to Mum after that, spilling out ‘how upset I am’. I should have recorded Mum..she knows me to a T.
In her words, “I could have screamed when I heard that comment being made to you. I was thinking ‘whyyyy’..I just knew it’s disastrous!”. Mum went on to attempt at setting my mind at peace, by enforcing that the words were only asserting a very good thing. And wasn’t I absolutely overcome with grief when not too long ago I realized I was causing painful tears – due to my condition – and that served as part of my determined drive to recover?
I’m not going to sugar-coat things by leaving out the initial despairing feelings that passed by, following the mild anger. Am I losing it? Am I now going to be seen as a healthy care-free girl? And what is wrong with that hmm? Well I don’t want to give an impression of something I’m not. I’m not care-free..why should others think that? How can I let my family rejoice in assuming that I’m ‘coping’, when alot of the time I feel stressed, anxious and moody. Even when I’m content I can’t help in behaving in a slightly moody manner. It’s like I want them to be concerned about me, to see that some things are making me unhappy (I’m not entirely sure what). But then when they do try -often- to convey options to ‘help’ me..I’m resolved to turning them away – because I cannot allow myself to contribute to their stress and take an easy way out – by acting annoyed by their worry, convincing them that I’m doing f-i-n-e. In that moment I believe it myself.