Home » Recovery » ED » Getting past the danger zone

Getting past the danger zone

I only got around to taking care of my roast potato craving at dinner last night.

Seasoned potatoes roasted in olive oil, mushroom/onion scrambled eggs in coconut oil, saladroast potato/scramble eggs

You’d think that was the craving taken care of, done and done. Alas it’s the beginning of a love story ūüėČ . I made them in the airfryer¬†<- a genius contraption I tell you. I always use oil even though you apparently don’t need(?) and it is just so convenient. Set the timer – it takes quarter of the time the oven does – and come back when you’re hungry¬†ūüôā .

A¬†remark¬†made by¬†my sister yesterday during¬†a random¬†conversation – which¬†was just an inch¬†away from ‘recovery’ talk –¬†opened up the floodgates of my memory. To a time when I was¬†in the midst¬†of my eating disorder… I would be marveled at the amount of ‘willpower’ I had while people simultaneously declared -in¬†concern I now believe-¬†that I was getting too thin. Then and there I sucked it all in; that really I must have good willpower and be really disciplined. Well must I tell you a secret? There was no willpower involved.¬†I had trained my brain so well to dislike all food I deemed unsuitable, that I had completely lost all memory of what it¬†tasted like. I didn’t have to make an effort to hold myself back from that chocolate cupcake.¬†I didn’t need to push myself to exercise.¬†I was on auto-pilot. Which is what makes recovery more difficult…it seems less-agonising to keep yourself ignorant of the realness of this world. But believe me, it’s not worth it.

I started a fake recovery (with too much of uncertainty and fear to fully commit) in the middle of last year. Three weeks in –¬†of eating what I want, and I was running for the hills¬†the miserable safety my comfort zone entailed. The little bit of freedom threatened to drive me to lunacy, the extreme hunger was starting and I was losing control fast.¬†From¬†a living zombie that was numb to emotions and¬†hunger,¬†my body was¬†giving me different¬†messages..all of which I didn’t agree with.¬†Plagued by “what-ifs”¬† to contradict the solid information I had armed myself with (that I NEED to eat and REST) I was back where I started.¬†But I was craving recovery like¬†I now crave a¬†slice of milk-tart..I wanted it, I was going to have it.¬†I knew where I slipped up. No matter how much the ‘freedom’ and the ‘unknown’¬†scares me, I had to push through it. No matter how I resented feeling exhaustion, it was time to embrace it. In that first few weeks it was like hanging precariously at the edge of a an iceberg. (Iceberg of all things! Hah!) Every comment, article read, or work-related stress held the¬†capacity to send me falling. I was sure that period of vulnerability would never end. Through it all I stayed firm with my rule: to continue nourishing myself well.

And now all¬†that insecurity and uncertainty seems like an eternity ago. I can read any material whether it be about¬†clean eating¬†or hard-impact workouts to HLB’s actually living it out, and even if I go “Wow they are so healthy, fit etc.”¬† it doesn’t have an impact. Different diets¬†interest me and allow me to broaden my knowledge, but not for a second¬†am¬†I tempted to fall back into old habits. I do not feel inadequate. There have been quite a few remarks as off recently to how ‘well’ I am looking. And depending on my state of mind at the time, it has either annoyed me or made me pleased, but I can confidently say that no outside force could¬†propel me to regress. I would say it has to do with my sense of ‘self’ growing..my identity becoming strong.

For anyone who may be going through this phase of ‘weakness’, it does pass and you aren’t weak.¬†Do whatever you need to in regards to¬†removing undesirable information from your path¬†for as long as you wish.

With every gram gained, an extra bit of mental strength is too.

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2 thoughts on “Getting past the danger zone

  1. Ah I keep having those moments where I feel like I’m a split second away from the whole “recovery talk” with my parents. But I really don’t feel like I’m ready yet (especially since they have ED tendencies too).
    And thank you for the reminder that this phase of weakness will pass. It’s just what I needed to hear right now! I’ve been feeling like everything is affecting me lately, and I can’t wait for the day that I am confident in myself and able to see past it all.

    • That is a rather painfully tricky situation. I hate talking with my family about recovery because it looks as if they think I’m loony – and like they’d rather not hear it.
      You keep at it lovely Lady..we’ll all get to where we aspire to be xo

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