I understand that the majority of humans might think it more healthy for me to allow my mind to slowly lose ‘memory’ of the entire recovery procedure, as seems to be occurring. Well, what if?.. I don’t want to. It’s okay if you assume, or better yet, are concerned that thinking back will cause old habits to resurface..right now however, I am certain that my head is in a good place in regards to having little – if any – eating disorder driven thoughts. I know how challenging the road to trusting oneself can be, coming from an ED..heck I’m in no way ‘there’ yet, wherever ‘there’ is for me. Yet I strongly am inclined to ponder over the steps I’ve taken in order to overcome the different obstacles faced. I have mentioned countless times – and contentedly so – that I am crazy. But perhaps there are other ‘crazies’ out there who will derive benefit from my ramblings?
I remember searching for words to soothe my uncertainty when I committed to recovery, but I’m a complicated personality…articles that inspire and uplift others seemed to strike fear into my core. Is recovery really so tough? Is there really so much of discomfort involved? The manner in which my mind was absorbing -supposedly positive- information, painted a picture of major discomfort in the journey of recovery. It sounded to me like a long road of unhappiness until I reached my healthy weight or above that..until I felt okay with losing control. The control freak that I was(?) am(?) couldn’t accept it. So yes, the success stories in the goldmine that is Your Eatopia I barred myself from. And I’ll admit..even now I can’t read the stories that are giving everyone hope around the world..simply because I’m ‘me’ ( a uniquely kind of different) . The information itself however lended a strong hand in propelling me forward to focused recovery. This article I can’t commend enough. It’s these words that struck something that -for me- was very important to get me devoted to saving myself; REMORSE. Remorse for damaging my body and hurting myself after understanding how hard the body works to heal. I was intent on “Apologizing To Myself” and sticking through to it.
And it brings me to say this: We find a certain something that makes us ‘click’ into full-on inspired mode – to get better..because we want to. And for everyone it’s different. I thought the fact that the remission stories of others instilling fear in me was symbolic of how disordered I was. But that theory simply proved untrue. I was refusing to view recovery as such an ordeal, and I don’t see anything wrong with that.
Whew! I’m sapped with all this deep talk. Discovering oneself is exhausting! Let’s see what I had for breakfast this AM..
Oh I finally got around to making some changes on my About page. I’d love if you took the time to check it out 🙂 .