Home » Recovery » ED » I don’t understand me

I don’t understand me

I am reluctant to get too much into ‘work matters’; but since my eating disorder stemmed from there, it’s hard to keep it in the dark either. Previously, I would bottle in my stress and anxiety, quietly venting my unhappiness by ‘controlling’ what passed my lips and pushing myself to work out my nervous energy through intense exercise. Now that I have learned that method drags me into greater despair…the subsequant alternative outlet is messy, tiring and real: a major meltdown. Nothing to do about eating, weight etc. A hodgepodge of heaving sobs, feelings of helplessness, bitterness toward everyone and anyone. It built up over a period of about an hour yesterday – in which I tried to reason with myself; “You’re doing well. There’s no need to feel this way. No one is putting pressure on you. You are blessed! You have everything!” . Um yeah, every word of reassurance to myself fizzled out. I needed to accept my feelings and allow them to come through, instead of squashing them. And that’s what happened. My first instinct was to seclude myself until this outburst of confusing emotions passed. But it was so frustrating, because I couldn’t and can’t pinpoint my exact feelings..or where all this was coming from – this anger and sensation of “hopelessness”. How can I feel this way?                                                                                 

picture sourceConcept image of a lost and confused signpost against a blue cloudy sky.

So I ended up calling on Mum & Dad. Aaahh parents ❤ – life’s greatest blessing. I don’t want to get into details,but once again (it’s an ongoing drama, it is) the option was laid out before me to have this ‘responsibility’ taken from me. This is going to sound insane, but I -as usual- refused to have things handed over to someone else. It’s like a disease really. No wait, I’m like a disease..clinging onto this job like my life depends on it. Of course it is not just a job..it’s more complicated than that. What’s so weird is that on the drying off my tears, all negative sentiments were washed away and I had this ridiculous urge to make everyone believe – myself included – that I was fine. Genuinely, perfectly, okay. And that under no circumstances did I want my job taken away. Just like that *clicks fingers*, sobfest over and I’m ready to look at things from a positive perspective!? Just when I thought I was beginning to figure myself out more!


5 thoughts on “I don’t understand me

  1. Isn’t it weird that the more you try to beat negative emotions into submission, they seem to just erupt with a greater vengeance? Gah you are not alone it not understanding yourself. But we are both on a journey of self-discovery that will ultimately lead to happiness 🙂

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