Home » Recovery » Happiness » My invincible invisible shield: mistrust

My invincible invisible shield: mistrust

I’ve long accepted myself as a terrible friend. Worse than that; I’m content with being a terrible friend. Or rather the lack of friendship on my part. Which you have to agree is much better than a human friend who constantly pokes their nose into your life and interferes where you don’t want them to. It should not surprise me then that I have no “close” friends. Sure I consider just about everyone and anyone my friend…but you know how humans usually have the one or few bffs they confide in and have that whole “bond” going on with. I don’t have that. It doesn’t bother me. But then why do I ponder about it sometimes? 

My friends I can count on my one hand, and while I believe them to be my best friends – despite seeing them 1-2 times a year even though they live in the same town – I don’t tell them anything deep. I can rattle on about ‘stuff’ but I lack a major thing which prevents me from developing closeness to anyone: trust. Yet they trust me. Enough to have shared with me their precious secrets and term me their “diary”. Of course a one-way relationship can not prosper, and with every friend I’ve ever had we ended up growing apart. What do I expect? Allowing months to slip by without calling or visiting…never sharing anything of myself. What bothers me is how okay I am with it! Maybe it’s because I live with a big family..my days are full…my life is full. And the shield I have secured around me of course. I wasn’t even aware of it until I recently done some quiet thinking. This desire to keep my independent spirit..an imaginary boundary which I never overstep; effortlessly, unknowingly preventing myself to develop any kind of attachment. I fail to grasp my feelings correctly right now, but bear with me. Without trying to keep myself distant in relationships, without intentional thought..I am and have been going about things in an attempt to avert potential grief. It’s so ingrained in me – it’s most likely just the way I am.

Was I always like this?  If I remember correctly, I recall myself an easily besotted tot. I would develop instant affection (animals more, and the few humankind); my mourning on countless losses are remarkably vivid in my mind. Somehow through it all I’ve hardened slightly. Or alot, I’m unsure. Like a hand exposed to a labor that rubs a spot repeatedly thus forming a callous.

What I am learning to trust, are bloggers refined taste buds 😉 . Trusting enough to try out a foreign taste experience, knowing that the worst result would be that I’m not a fan.  

Lindt chilli

My imagined preconception was against the favor of this heavenly chocolate flavor. I was strongly encouraged by this lady to give it a chance. Once I had conceded that I was in fact highly interested to try it, it seemed not destined just yet.

Mum picked it up for me on her trip on Monday and I was jittery with nervous excitement. From the moment the perfectly balanced flavors melted on my tongue, I was sold. The hint of spiciness enhances the richness of the smooth chocolate, enthralling the senses. Fair to say that it’s a new favorite…and I may have finished up the last few pieces today already.

 

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4 thoughts on “My invincible invisible shield: mistrust

  1. I know just what you mean on the whole friendship thing. I’ve never been one to get super close with friends.. I have always liked to keep certain parts of my life private. Sometimes I wonder if that has prevented me from making real connections with people and if I should try harder to make those connections. But I’ve come to realize that there’s no need to force it. Right now, my life is full, and there is still plenty of time for those friendships to develop. I think when the right people come along in life, you will know. And you will naturally open up and form a bond. All you have to do is be open and receptive, and don’t let fear keep you from following your intuition!

    • You said it! That’s exactly how I feel…I don’t ‘desire’ those connections, and then I wonder if there’s something wrong with me lol.
      You have a really good stance on it – I want to keep that in mind; no need to force things if we don’t feel it coming through 🙂 .

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