The root of my eating disorder…the one thing I will unashamedly put the bulk of the blame on for transforming me from a happy human to a “control searching, slightly depressed alien” : work. Or rather, the level of responsibility submerged in the job title handed over to me at – unanimously agreed – too young an age. Every ounce of my being is rebelling in me sharing my exact bitter feelings..and yet I can’t hold back. I am having no issues whatsoever with restricting or exercising, and that just goes to prove how deep an eating disorder runs. The drive to convince myself that I’ll be fine and dandy once I look at circumstances in a different light, from a different mood is slowly fizzing out and I’m beginning to see my struggle in aiming to conquer a doomed battle. I should be grateful for my blessings. I should be happy. I should be content. I’m living a dream. But I am not living my dream. Well why don’t I just resign,
transfer to Germany and follow my dreams? Simple; it’s wayyy more complicated than that. I’m living on a see-saw of emotions regarding what I am doing i.e something wherein holds no passion..the only driving factor is the feeling of seeing no escape route, no way out. Ok so yes, to an extent that is a lie. I have loving parents who long for my happiness and health over everything else..but what do I do when some stupefying brain cell that is connected to my heart (I assume?) prevents me from giving up my current station in order to live up to the silent expectation weighing heavily in the air? I thought I was getting better at finding a happy balance, but perhaps I was just fooling myself. sigh
The pattern of my ebbing and flowing moods is quite fascinating. First up comes the stressing out – the realization of a ton of work to complete, that I gain
little no enjoyment from..and while I do not come close to working all.the.time (heck, I don’t even work regular office hours!), my mind is constantly stimulated by work-related thoughts. So when I’m not working; I’m working. Pretty productive huh? When the office-load is heavy, without making a conscious effort I begin to “mold” myself for work. Early bedtimes, scheduled times for ‘relaxing’; all in the name of conditioning myself to be at my best for a job I slightly despise.. the manner in how “adult” it makes me, ugh. Or aged, whatever.
Following up will be the quiet welling of emotion that takes a dive for the gloomy; usually toward the weekend. And then the inevitable attempt to talk myself into happiness when the survival instincts kick in. This time around was a touch different; having an epiphany of sorts plunge into my skull after reading this post. Strange no? Yes. Lets emphasis the after, because it was more on what I said in the comments that resulted in mental somersaults for hours later. What kind of life am I living? I am happiest when involved in some kind of blog-related matter or working with words, yet most recently I have been revolving my life around my job (which deals with figures, no less!)..in the sense where I am in a stressed “working mindset” without having to be in the office. What does it matter if I am getting tucked in early at night with the intention of being sufficiently energized to be productive – when in turn it only results in cutting down on blog time etc. thus making me miserable.
I have to decide for myself exactly what road I am heading down. It is possible to venture into my little passions while simultaneously doing my best at keeping up-to-date on the work front; with maybe a lack of sleep at times..but in the name of honoring my inner spark? It could very much be worth it.
I guess it all comes down to a well-fed brain touching into my inner recesses and fighting to be heard. Something admittedly foreign to me. Mmmm and well-fed I am. Every dark cloud does have its silver lining; with my mind so utterly occupied with probing intense mysteries of life – restricting does not feature. Food is: nourishment, yummylicious, energizing. The biggest achievement has been responding to hunger without questioning it at all. Time to count my blessings..again. That’s not all though. If I am determined to overcome “work-blues” I will be redirecting some of my energy into doing the things I love. Whether they seem productive or not. Movie marathons? Yes please, it’s been too long.