I’ve struggled with it for the longest time. Even once I started embracing the crazy hunger.. even when I had began to put into play the quest of listening to cravings; my brain was constantly pushed to exhaustion at debating on what to consume, when. Why do I only speak of it now?.. when it is basically a memory – albeit a vivid one. Well, it was a complex situation back then. I couldn’t quite grasp the exact connection between brain and body; it had become a desperate attempt to do whatever it takes to stop my belly screaming for food. The only factor getting in the way – desiring at least an inkling of ‘control’: my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever halt my marvelling on how unreal it all felt, which is the basis of my desire to talk about it. It’s fascinating. To wrap my head around the process sends me into a tizz; a mixture of disbelief and triumph.
I strongly believed that without a plan, lacking a dictator to command my food choices – I would never be able to just eat. I had all these strategies of setting out meal plans to gain in a ‘controlled’ manner. And then the mystery called “hunger” hit.. and the tables turned. But I was afraid. The more I tried to schedule snack and meal times, the more the hungry beast rebelled. I’m aware that I’m running off my focal point; allow me to drone on please. I could not eat chocolate or cookies like a normal human (all I wanted to be really – normal. Buut I settled for special 😉 ) because hunger would have me eating an entire box. Of course I would not allow that sort of incident to incur, therefore I – most of the time – avoided that category of foods in favour of a loaded bowl of oatmeal (which I genuinely do love however). And that’s what drove my brain in a flurry of panic. Picture the circumstance: Lunch is done with.. still verrry hungry and would appreciate chocolate. But I know a few squares of chocolate is not going to cut it. Do I go for the chocolate, and fearfully deal with an unsatisfied tummy afterward – from experience – or build up a breakfast sized bowl of oatmeal that surpasses the calories in the chocolate by 10 miles but hosts a load of goodness and will do a more reliable job of taming the hunger?
I always chose the oatmeal back then, yet my mind would almost die with shock at consuming a large number of calories after a recent meal.
So either way, I was going against my ED, all the while experiencing great mental trauma. The further along I journeyed in honouring my hunger and eventually every.single.craving – resulting in a lot more dessert in a single day than considered sane – the importance of calories against nutrients lost its significance. Because you know what? It doesn’t matter. As per the instances I crave chocolate brownies, at my next meal I’m almost guaranteed to hanker a more wholesome state of affairs.
That’s the process that usually transpires as I’ve observed.. yet a human with a past of restriction should not expect that in a hurry. Give yourself a break from being a normal eater and enjoy the food you’ve denied for so long. It will be scary. You will feel insane. But the freedom that follows? Worth it.