I have a problem. No, wait.. let me re-phrase that: I am a problem (*cough* at times) . Given my contradictory nature, I admit I am astoundingly hesitant the majority of the time in “proclaiming” things about myself. There are instances where I am resolute in my feelings of course, but when it comes down to the mental shifts surrounding my life? I am so wary of stating something positive; only to have a topsy-turvy change of circumstances the day after that – which will brandish me a liar to myself… my only alternative is to keep shut. Or is it? I took longer than necessary before admitting to and celebrating the body positivity that had settled upon me, cautious of speaking too soon… even when I did, it required a squashing of “what if” doubts. What if I no longer feel this sensation of self love in an hours time? It was just that it all seemed too good to be true; was I not supposed to be struggling in some aspect? Such a level of acceptance within myself sounds unbelievable. And yet, here I am without my confidence wavered even slightly… this surreal positive body image growing [hopefully] more concrete – having survived through a fascinating remark if I do say so myself. So it wouldn’t be surprising that a part of me wants to hold back from believing I have -undeterminably- found contentment in the job I have clearly battled in maintaining sanity time and again. Because it’s not guaranteed. Then again – nothing is… what am I waiting for that will prove I have made progress in working under pressure in a field that is not my dream? I haven’t felt any signs of an anxiety attack or nervous breakdown since the last one months back. And more than that, I do not fight an overwhelming wave of reluctance or gloom on entering the office as is the usual. Piles of paperwork and accounts waiting to be reconciled has lost it’s power to break me before I begin; I will get to it as I can. I want to reflect on the steps I assume helped in relieving me of the pressure I piled on my shoulders – as things are always changing, I’d like to be able to look back when I need it.
Work is work.
In an effort to make work-time a little more enjoyable, I was in the habit of regular blog-reading breaks… nothing too illegal right!? And at the [dis]advantage of being my own “boss” so to speak – I could without carrying out any sneaky methods. Well other than switching the fax line in order to receive an internet connection. But that’s beside the point. Over time I have learnt that bloggy breaks was not proving the most beneficial to my office-time really… it was actually making it a touch difficult to separate my job from my down time; something I constantly battle due to my office being stationed at home. It’s ironic that in order to shift my focus off my brain-breaking job, I have to focus more on it.. when I am working that is.image source
Make pauses count
I understand that continually being at the grind will turn my brains to mush however, so taking breathers are important. And breathers is just that. A time to step out of the office and get a whiff off fresh air… clear the mind by absorbing the rejuvenating effect of the outdoors, as opposed to the stuffiness inside. So yes, less time blog-reading overall [than I would like] but a healthier state of mind.
Recognising the disadvantage in the advantage
“You’re so lucky you don’t work under anyone.” “Oh you have the perfect setup.” Easy for you to say… you aren’t me. Other than benefiting from circumstances by the blog-reading, the lack of authority means I
was have the potential to be overzealous in attempting to stay on top of things and ensuring I keep track of the various deadlines or VAT payments. Which often can result in shuffling back and forth between dates in bed while trying to drift off to sleep. I feel like I’ve forever been trying to shrug off some of the responsibility I place on myself – to accept that it is natural for a bookkeeper’s work to overlap months (it is not a mark of failure in the least)- and I finally feel like I’m looking at things with a less critical eye.
Quit fooling myself by wishing otherwise
If I am not going to be taking the plunge in leaving my current station, I owe it to myself to not revel in other job fantasies falling into my lap – thus only serving to build up a wall of resentment in what I am doing. In between the tasks that has me moaning, there are several at least that admittedly I do enjoy. So reminding myself to practise an old adage of appreciating “the roses with the thorns”, <-(errr something like that) is not needless after all. Ever searched for that euphoric sense of achievement in completing a project? I’ve realised that I need to stop working for that sensation… I’ll never reach it. Not with a constant stream of work entering. Instead, my daily goal is to complete the tasks for that particular day and do my best to be content with that – to not push harder in hopes of attaining an impossible state of “done”. image source
There is more to my life than my job, no matter how consuming it feels at times.
I can actively decide whether I am going to allow it to drag me down or not.
At first I had this post titled “Tolerating the job I don’t love”, but then I thought about it…and honestly – that just doesn’t give it enough credit.
How do you feel about the job you are currently involved?
Any words of wisdom regarding work?