I’ve been reflecting on it lately, subconsciously – without making an effort to: how well have I grown to understand myself since… you know, the ED took over and I lost my entire personality somewhere along the line? image source
Physically I have progressed marvellously in healing, mentally I have shaken the majority of restrictive tendencies; can I declare that I am any closer to understanding my complicated self? Because I can only excuse myself as being “complicated” for so long…
My idea of the most challenging form of interrogation under the sun -has always been- another human inquiring me to deliver my perception of myself. From the less significant “what is your favourite dish” (what do I choose between fat free salads and fruit?!) to “are you a sociable kinda human”(no, get out of my face!)), there has always been an overwhelming sense of reluctance at searching inside my mind for an answer, when all I really want to do is wave away the question with a simple response: I don’t know. In the same breath, I am hugely delighted when I am able to pull out an answer which I believe in myself – that I can state with unwavering confidence; there is an unmistakeable thrill from inching closer to becoming aware of the person I am. Blogging, or rather journaling (by the manner in which I roll on this blog most of the time) has had me -willingly- pushing my comfort zone in tapping into the real me.
On the path to [self] discovery, I have rediscovered some things since awakening from the constant brain fog; factors which may seem minuscule to normal human beings… but to me? They matter hugely. Instead of not having a favourite meal, there’s too many I love to narrow it down to one. I choose cake over cookies. Lies are despicable, I don’t do lies… unless it’s the “How are you?” question on a business call and I’m in a terrible mood. I enjoy glamming up and attending a function, but I’m not a “party” person. I know that contrary to my original belief in not being a fan of smoothies – I am seriously in love with this chocolate mousse smoothie… enough to have it for lunch 2 days in a row, alongside roasted butternut squash.
I made note of the gloriousness of sliced strawberries thrown in there, but woah! The squash as a side makes it 10 million x more mind-blowingly swoon worthy.
Then we look deeper, aaand…. I am clearly a work in progress when it comes to processing my emotions. While it no longer feels like my skull is on the verge of exploding with an assortment of sensations, I don’t know me all that well as yet. It is still a story of: what am I really like now, versus back then? Am I generally loud or quiet? I can’t seem to say exactly; when joyful I am bubbly, chirpy… loud. Then again a deeply occupied state of mind sends me into serious silence. I can however finally distinguish feelings (from the muddle that seemed to haunt me for a good while) ..calm, content, restless. Being able to pinpoint my emotions is a great feat in itself, and yet…. I can’t acknowledge my character as a whole. Without a moments hesitation I can sum my brother up; a laid back cool dude, slightly immature for his age – all about having a good time. My Mum is a soft-hearted, caring, easily excited soul. My Dad; bold and quick-tempered, yet loving and selfless. I could lay it out easily for the rest of my siblings too…. but I am at a loss to who I am. Does the fact that I enjoy thrilling rides and playing with pythons make me daring despite my cautious behaviour in my relationships? I’d like to believe I’m caring and considerate, but that’s definitely not always the case. Somehow I can’t just let it be either; I want to understand what lingers in the inner workings of my soul. Uhhh, kind of.
I suppose I am finding myself along the way- recently I’ve been surprised at the sureness my mind takes when exploring foreign thoughts (more life-impacting than what to have for lunch)… I am slowly recognizing my “stance” on various subjects, and it’s weird to realize that I’m interested in approaching topics which previously failed to alight any spark in me – I am beginning to openly converse on and reveal my view. So, suffice to say I’m still complicated then 😉 .
And just because Bugs Bunny is undeniably loveable (and I sometimes feel this way)….