Home » Recovery » Happiness » So who am I?

So who am I?

I’ve been reflecting on it lately, subconsciously – without making an effort to: how well have I grown to understand myself since… you know, the ED took over and I lost my entire personality somewhere along the line? who am I?image source

Physically I have progressed marvellously in healing, mentally I have shaken the majority of restrictive tendencies; can I declare that I am any closer to understanding my complicated self? Because I can only excuse myself as being “complicated” for so long…

My idea of the most challenging form of interrogation under the sun -has always been- another human inquiring me to deliver my perception of myself. From the less significant “what is your favourite dish” (what do I choose between fat free salads and fruit?!) to “are you a sociable kinda human”(no, get out of my face!)), there has always been an overwhelming sense of reluctance at searching inside my mind for an answer, when all I really want to do is wave away the question with a simple response: I don’t know. In the same breath, I am hugely delighted when I am able to pull out an answer which I believe in myself – that I can state with unwavering confidence; there is an unmistakeable thrill from inching closer to becoming aware of the person I am. Blogging, or rather journaling (by the manner in which I roll on this blog most of the time) has had me -willingly- pushing my comfort zone in tapping into the real me.

39 Questions.

Deconstructing me.

Spilling my guts 1.

Spilling my guts 2.

On the path to [self] discovery, I have rediscovered some things since awakening from the constant brain fog; factors which may seem minuscule to normal human beings… but to me? They matter hugely. Instead of not having a favourite meal, there’s too many I love to narrow it down to one. I choose cake over cookies. Lies are despicable, I don’t do lies… unless it’s the “How are you?” question on a business call and I’m in a terrible mood. I enjoy glamming up and attending a function, but I’m not a “party” person. I know that contrary to my original belief in not being a fan of smoothies – I am seriously in love with this chocolate mousse smoothie… enough to have it for lunch 2 days in a row, alongside roasted butternut squash.

Yes I spoon my smoothie straight from the hand blender bowl!

Yes I spoon my smoothie straight from the hand blender bowl!

I made note of the gloriousness of sliced strawberries thrown in there, but woah! The squash as a side makes it 10 million x more mind-blowingly swoon worthy.

Then we look deeper, aaand…. I am clearly a work in progress when it comes to processing my emotions. While it no longer feels like my skull is on the verge of exploding with an assortment of sensations, I don’t know me all that well as yet. It is still a story of: what am I really like now, versus back then? Am I generally loud or quiet? I can’t seem to say exactly; when joyful I am bubbly, chirpy… loud. Then again a deeply occupied state of mind sends me into serious silence. I can however finally distinguish feelings (from the muddle that seemed to haunt me for a good while) ..calm, content, restless. Being able to pinpoint my emotions is a great feat in itself, and yet…. I can’t acknowledge my character as a whole. Without a moments hesitation I can sum my brother up;  a laid back cool dude, slightly immature for his age – all about having a good time. My Mum is a soft-hearted, caring, easily excited soul. My Dad; bold and quick-tempered, yet loving and selfless. I could lay it out easily for the rest of my siblings too…. but I am at a loss to who I am. Does the fact that I enjoy thrilling rides and playing with pythons make me daring despite my cautious behaviour in my relationships? I’d like to believe I’m caring and considerate, but that’s definitely not always the case. Somehow I can’t just let it be either; I want to understand what lingers in the inner workings of my soul. Uhhh, kind of.

I suppose I am finding myself along the way- recently I’ve been surprised at the sureness my mind takes when exploring foreign thoughts (more life-impacting than what to have for lunch)… I am slowly recognizing my “stance” on various subjects, and it’s weird to realize that I’m interested in approaching topics which previously failed to alight any spark in me – I am beginning to openly converse on and reveal my view. So, suffice to say I’m still complicated then 😉 .

bugsyimage source

And just because Bugs Bunny is undeniably loveable (and I sometimes feel this way)….
Bugs4image source


5 thoughts on “So who am I?

  1. First of all, that last Bugs Bunny picture is an incredibly accurate description of myself at times–I am trying to cut down on the sarcasm, but it doesn’t always work out very well. Sometimes I will deliver a sarcastic comment in a completely deadpan manner, and other people seem confused as to whether or not I am serious. It can be quite problematic. Anyway, I too find it difficult to answer the question “Who am I?” in a concise manner, but perhaps that is a good thing. After all, humans are inherently complex beings, and often display different “faces” depending on the situation, their mood, the people who are around, etc…You mentioned that you find it easy to sum up the overall character of your parents and brother, but perhaps they can do the same for you–“acknowledge YOUR character as a whole.” Maybe it is only when it comes to analyzing our OWN self that we find ourselves unable to provide a clear answer–if that makes sense. Since we are completely immersed in a complex and swirling storm of thoughts and questions in our mind, it seems only logical that we would find it difficult to tease out exactly who we are. Whereas with other people, we can observe them at a distance and evaluate their character without being enmeshed in their thoughts. Even then, of course, our evaluations may be very different from how THEY see themselves!

    I must say that I too am “daring” in the sense that I love riding roller coasters, enjoy going in haunted houses, and am not completely terrified of bugs/heights/deep water/snakes/other “creepy crawlies.” However, when it comes to daily social activities, making phone calls to strangers, interacting with people at parties, scheduling appointments, etc…, I become a quivering mass of cowardly jelly (I love that metaphor, even if it is rather cliche). I too strive to be kind and compassionate, but there are times when I can be short-tempered and irritable. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being “complicated,” and we will continue to evolve and change throughout our lifetime. Sometimes I can be extremely introverted and quiet, other times I can be talkative and passionate about a particular topic. Sometimes I feel like cooking up a storm, but other times my creativity feels sapped and I would rather eat leftovers all day. I am never the same person from one day to the next, though some personality traits remains fairly stable. And maybe that’s the best thing about being human–we are always discovering something new about ourselves 🙂

    Well, I didn’t intend to ramble on for so long, but I hope this response wasn’t too dull to read! I hope you have a lovely day!

    • Aaah Kendra; one of my favourite humans to get wrapped into a discussion with 🙂 . You should really look into the character of Bugs Bunny sometime… I think he’s incredibly relatable!
      What you’re saying is true in many aspects; a very thought-provoking satisfying way to approach the question “who I am?”… in my case though right now: my family members actually regularly make mention of my confusingly contradictory behaviour. I figure it’s part of getting in tune to those concrete personality traits I’m certain everyone possesses in some degree as you’ve stated!?
      It’s really interesting – and surprising given the chatty persona you give off – that with social interaction you’re, as you say a “quivering mass of cowardly jelly” <- (love it!). I seem to thoroughly enjoy phone calls and chats with strangers these days… maybe that's actually a very real part of who I am, and my earlier -constant- reluctance was only down to the ED. That said, I am extremely hesitant in developing strong friendships or bonds… an automatic sense of mistrust almost.
      And now I'm rambling…

      • Well, I am very glad that you enjoy having discussions with me on such topics! I am glad you mentioned that your family members do remark on your “contradictory behavior,” since I know my previous statement in regards to that matter was a bit of a generalization. I am normally only chatty and talkative when either (1) I am blogging/emailing/writing Facebook posts/having online discussions/texting , (2) I am talking to a close friend or (3) I am discussing a topic on which I have strong feelings. In many other cases, though, I prefer listening as opposed to talking 🙂 Still, I agree that an ED can often result in certain habits, anxieties, and rituals that often fade away as you begin the recovery process–or maybe they are not vanishing entirely, but simply remaining dormant until some stress-provoking stimuli brings them out of their hibernation. I think it’s wonderful that you enjoy having chats with strangers, as I am sure they appreciate your openness! Though I am not necessarily reluctant about developing friendships, I do find the entire prospect of dating to be a rather terrifying one–maybe because I’ve never dated anyone in my 20 years of life so far. Anyway, at least I am not the only one who tends to ramble in my responses 😉

  2. Greetings! I’ve been reading your website for a while now and finally
    got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Houston Tx!
    Just wanted to tell you keep up the fantastic job!

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