Home » Recovery » ED » I’ve found…me.

I’ve found…me.

Remember the girl who started this blog; her biggest worry was losing control of her life by gaining an unknown number of weight. She feared missing the “comfortable” feeling of having her hip and shoulder bones protrude grotesquely. She bemoaned the prospect of feeling and experiencing a flow of emotions in contrast to being numb and tuned out to the world. And when the beginnings of a nourished brain prompted her to confront the root of her depressions, she was dangerously close -repeatedly- on turning back to that twistedly safe nothingness.  Would it be all that surprising when I genuinely admit…I barely know her – if at all!?

peaceimage source

With reaching a healthy weight, a free mindset and the return of Aunt Suzy; I still struggled with knowing and understanding myself. I had a constant sensation of nurturing a gaping hole in my heart, a restlessness not willing to be quieted for any given period and through the busyness of everyday life, I was aware of a probing concern of feeling uncertain in my actual personality. Over time however my traits and quirks were surfacing..the real me, in all her loud annoying glory. I didn’t even realize the personality establishment taking place, until it unexpectedly fell into place so to speak on few day’s of vacation as off 2 weeks back. Or more appropriately explained: I became aware of it then; a strange place, interacting with others, a change of routine…it dawned on me how comfortable I am with who I am. I accept and love my quirks and demeanour, whether they serve in drawing others to me or rubbing someone up the wrong way, it all collectively makes me the person I am. And that’s enough.

We don’t need to be anything other than ourselves. Do you enjoy hyperventilating over the tiniest of things? Bouncing around uncontrollably when excited? Incessantly chirpy when content? Own it. Regardless of it irritating your brother or that new human you’re trying to impress…be you!

be youimage source 


13 thoughts on “I’ve found…me.

  1. That was an inspiring post 🙂 it’s definitely an exciting part of recovery when your life is less focused on food, leaving you more time to focus on yourself!

    • Awh thank you! Oh absolutely..it’s so good to actually believe that I cannot and shouldn’t try and control every aspect of myself. I can simply be 🙂 .

  2. “Would it be all that surprising when I genuinely admit…I barely know her – if at all”

    This makes me so happy, Ms. J. So happy. You’ve come a long way in a short time, and it’s success stories like yours which need to be celebrated.

  3. It’s SO great you found yourself. I am having a hard time finding mine because I’m in the midst of depression myself, and the fatigue and my home situation make it worse, but I am trying to always look for the better. Since you’re speaking on the otherside, you sort of give me hope, you know?

    • I’m speaking from the other side? OHMYGOSH!! 🙂 .
      Aahhh Linda I am so sorry things are tough; you always hit me as upbeat and optimistic…I hope everything works out well. It’s probably different with every individual, but in my case it all went back to a malnourished brain that percieved the dark and dreary in life. Stay strong girl, chin up ❤ .

  4. Oh girl [I’d rather say your real name here (: ], this makes me so happy to read. What a difference a vacation makes?! Actually, I’d assume it had all fallen into place before that and it just became that much more noticable in the different setting. I hope everyday life won’t deter you from this wonderful place anytime again.
    I’ll assume you used hyperventilating randomly here because I definitely don’t enjoy when it happens … It is scary not funny.
    On a last note I remember tagging along your blog from very early on and you progressed SO fast. It’s incredible and absolutely amazing to see this. Inspiring for others, too.

    • Can I just say I am mighty pleased that our names share the same first letter 🙂 .That’s it – a different [strange] setting established how concrete I actually am within myself. Thank you for your sweet wishes ❤ . Oh jeez yes, I have the habit of throwing around and making light of serious terms; uhm hernia. <-not an amusing injury, yet…eep.
      Yes I am undeniably blessed to have progressed so smoothly along…but I do wish I had been brave enough to start blogging earlier, instead of after the majority of the struggles! I just feel as though it would have proved beneficial to others in sharing those battles.

      • That’s not about braveness. Actually, I think it’s not the wisest to start a blog when you’re smack dab in the middle an ED. It could have only furthered or manifested the issues by adding focus to them through writing.

      • Hmm those are wise words…and yes, despite giving me an outlet for my major desire to vent back then – it could have made it harder to break away from negative feelings.

  5. Pingback: Second chances | pathofdiscoveryblog

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