Second chances

 

I will not pretend to apologise for being completely MIA; I know and trust you to be joyful on my behalf that this girl has been living. And even more importantly: connecting with loved ones…I didn’t realise how much I’ve missed socializing – trapped into the darkness of my depressive head, I couldn’t see past my own unhapppiness. I don’t intend to imply that recovery is some fairytale for me, but I am undeniably grateful that the process proves to just get better and better after getting in touch with myself and truly accepting my [discovered] quirks.

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I embrace and accept the fact that I am not your typical girl on many levels; exotic if you will 😉 .

Gone are the battles of trying to understand the swirling emotions hitting me all at once after being suppressed and held in through the years. Imagine, a naturally boldly expressive human squashing in their vibrant personailty!? Such an unsuitable and sad state to be in. What I find myself marvelling about repeatedly these days? The different manner in which I have managed to percieve a single person due to my particular mindset at the time. I am utterly fascinated and ecstatic to be given a second chance without grudges. Yessss I am blessed with some beautiful souls in my life. Just last year I ranted about my struggle at tolerating a guest(family no less) who was down for an extended stay. My parting words to her last year was “do not come back here”. I know, horrible! Today I admire the disregard -once a subject of annoyance- toward my past insensitive harshness and we’re best of comrades. When she leaves tomorrow – there will be tears. Pleasantly unusual coming from someone who feared getting attached and was above beyond missing anyone.

Being open and honest, I am in my element most when surrounded by genuine personalities – not putting up a facade or sporting a tight fake smile while giving you the pitiful eye. Even if we happen to disagree on anything and everything; their honesty and authentic manner makes me feel comfortable and happy to be around them.

 

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^LOVE when that chemical reaction takes place, however I am learning that the significant, most meaningful challenge at this point in time for me is accepting my misjudgement of characters previously and attempting to gain a second (or third!) chance in establishing a good grounding with the minds of those who now happen to intrigue, fulfil and indulge me in my ways.

 

Have you dealt with unfairly summing up a personality and getting off on the wrong foot?

 

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I’ve found…me.

Remember the girl who started this blog; her biggest worry was losing control of her life by gaining an unknown number of weight. She feared missing the “comfortable” feeling of having her hip and shoulder bones protrude grotesquely. She bemoaned the prospect of feeling and experiencing a flow of emotions in contrast to being numb and tuned out to the world. And when the beginnings of a nourished brain prompted her to confront the root of her depressions, she was dangerously close -repeatedly- on turning back to that twistedly safe nothingness.  Would it be all that surprising when I genuinely admit…I barely know her – if at all!?

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With reaching a healthy weight, a free mindset and the return of Aunt Suzy; I still struggled with knowing and understanding myself. I had a constant sensation of nurturing a gaping hole in my heart, a restlessness not willing to be quieted for any given period and through the busyness of everyday life, I was aware of a probing concern of feeling uncertain in my actual personality. Over time however my traits and quirks were surfacing..the real me, in all her loud annoying glory. I didn’t even realize the personality establishment taking place, until it unexpectedly fell into place so to speak on few day’s of vacation as off 2 weeks back. Or more appropriately explained: I became aware of it then; a strange place, interacting with others, a change of routine…it dawned on me how comfortable I am with who I am. I accept and love my quirks and demeanour, whether they serve in drawing others to me or rubbing someone up the wrong way, it all collectively makes me the person I am. And that’s enough.

We don’t need to be anything other than ourselves. Do you enjoy hyperventilating over the tiniest of things? Bouncing around uncontrollably when excited? Incessantly chirpy when content? Own it. Regardless of it irritating your brother or that new human you’re trying to impress…be you!

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I will not pretend to NOT care

I could regret this when I collapse into an exhaustion–induced coma. If there’s anything I’ve learnt about myself though, is that attempting sleep – even if we’re talking those two precious free hours – while having this passion run through my veins will prove fruitless. I almost believe that all that restless tossing and turning only expands more energy than it recharges. At least I’ve got a beautiful sunrise peeking at me through the window.

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I’ve got an upbeat recap post of sorts hanging in my draft, shedding light onto the past days of my absence. But I lack genuine motivation in putting it out there as yet. It feels wrong. It’s like I would be masking a huge part of sadness within me.. that I’ve been experiencing all this while, and continue to. I know I am not obligated in sharing my views on the happenings of the world; I have never implied that I would. The thing is, I shouldn’t refrain from pouring out my exact feelings if that is what I want to do.. Regardless of how it might rub others up the wrong way. Taking a cue from Sam’s mantra: it’s OK. What’s not okay is the bombing of innocent lives in Gaza.

Tell me – what religion condones the killing and maiming of hundreds of woman and children who possess nary a weapon to defend themselves? What religion allows the act of mercilessly rendering orphan and widow? None. We know that. Well, how can the world sit back and watch this sickening storm play out before our eyes? Or are we turning a blind eye?… afraid to speak out against -clearly- apparent injustice. I am not the first [and I will not be last] to be speaking against the monstrous rampage the Israeli soldiers are on through Gaza. Destroying homes, shelling schools filled with tiny tots, shattering lives.

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As humanity we have evolved greatly.. the most advanced in technology, the most well educated. How can such a level of cruel ignorance exist? The worth of a human’s life has diminished to… nothing.

There are news shows refraining from revealing everything. I ask you to watch Al Jazeera (who seems to disclose the most) to at least see for yourself.

Can we, as sane caring human beings stand up for human rights? Are we going to prove that we care by talking out against a crime to humanity? Let us refresh our minds on what a war entails: when two opposing parties partake in battle against one another. This is not a war. This is oppression. As a mother in Ghaza spoke on the murdering of her young [sleeping] son, and I quote; “what did my child (or anyone in our house) do or have that they needed to fire tank shelling’s in the dead of the night into our home for!?”

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My invincible invisible shield: mistrust

I’ve long accepted myself as a terrible friend. Worse than that; I’m content with being a terrible friend. Or rather the lack of friendship on my part. Which you have to agree is much better than a human friend who constantly pokes their nose into your life and interferes where you don’t want them to. It should not surprise me then that I have no “close” friends. Sure I consider just about everyone and anyone my friend…but you know how humans usually have the one or few bffs they confide in and have that whole “bond” going on with. I don’t have that. It doesn’t bother me. But then why do I ponder about it sometimes? 

My friends I can count on my one hand, and while I believe them to be my best friends – despite seeing them 1-2 times a year even though they live in the same town – I don’t tell them anything deep. I can rattle on about ‘stuff’ but I lack a major thing which prevents me from developing closeness to anyone: trust. Yet they trust me. Enough to have shared with me their precious secrets and term me their “diary”. Of course a one-way relationship can not prosper, and with every friend I’ve ever had we ended up growing apart. What do I expect? Allowing months to slip by without calling or visiting…never sharing anything of myself. What bothers me is how okay I am with it! Maybe it’s because I live with a big family..my days are full…my life is full. And the shield I have secured around me of course. I wasn’t even aware of it until I recently done some quiet thinking. This desire to keep my independent spirit..an imaginary boundary which I never overstep; effortlessly, unknowingly preventing myself to develop any kind of attachment. I fail to grasp my feelings correctly right now, but bear with me. Without trying to keep myself distant in relationships, without intentional thought..I am and have been going about things in an attempt to avert potential grief. It’s so ingrained in me – it’s most likely just the way I am.

Was I always like this?  If I remember correctly, I recall myself an easily besotted tot. I would develop instant affection (animals more, and the few humankind); my mourning on countless losses are remarkably vivid in my mind. Somehow through it all I’ve hardened slightly. Or alot, I’m unsure. Like a hand exposed to a labor that rubs a spot repeatedly thus forming a callous.

What I am learning to trust, are bloggers refined taste buds 😉 . Trusting enough to try out a foreign taste experience, knowing that the worst result would be that I’m not a fan.  

Lindt chilli

My imagined preconception was against the favor of this heavenly chocolate flavor. I was strongly encouraged by this lady to give it a chance. Once I had conceded that I was in fact highly interested to try it, it seemed not destined just yet.

Mum picked it up for me on her trip on Monday and I was jittery with nervous excitement. From the moment the perfectly balanced flavors melted on my tongue, I was sold. The hint of spiciness enhances the richness of the smooth chocolate, enthralling the senses. Fair to say that it’s a new favorite…and I may have finished up the last few pieces today already.

 

When choosing to be “Rather safe, than sorry” is a problem

Before I get caught up in bunch of words, let’s have a looksie at the latest culinary masterpiece I’ve whipped up, which is now one of my favorite snacks. Would you believe me if I told you it was of the savory kind? Aahh bummer… you know me too well!

chuncky monkey bites

Chunky monkey bites!!! So mines look kind of awesomely weird?..well head over and check out Amanda’s alluring photos, and take both mine and her word for it..these guys are gooood. They are a chocolate chip away from being my favorite snack of all time – these muffins hold spot no.1 – and that is saying something! I had a bit of a rough time handling the prepared dough; it was very sticky and thick – probably because I used regular rolled oats, and so delicious I may have wanted to keep shoving spoonfuls into my mouth rather than forming cookies. Even prior to adding in the chocolate chips, I was very tempted to sit down with a bowl of the warm dough. Gahhh why didn’t I!? Next time for sure 😉

Chunky monkey snack bites

Getting into details about cookie dough on an empty belly is not an apt scenario. Worse than that however is trying to swallow (literally) when there are things to get off my chest (figuratively).

 

The reason why I would rather stay home than go out, choose the lower-calorie option, push myself to do X workout for 45 min. instead of calling it quits when I’m tired after 3o..because I’d rather be SAFE, than SORRY. I think I need to reevaluate my perception of “safe”. I’ve practiced the “Rather safe than sorry” rule for so long, yet where did that get me? Since when was being underweight and acting like a loner all the time appropriately “safe”? Going out is a big factor for me. I analyse the situation from every angle; where are we going? how long will I be there? what will I eat? what it I want to come home and the others aren’t ready? I try my best to avoid the chance of going somewhere, wishing I was home and feeling sorry that I came. But I fail to see that this measure of safety is preventing me from living. From filling my heart with joy. From love and laughter. How will I know if I could have a good time out if I prevent myself from going in the first place? There is only so much contentment that my ‘structure’ and ‘schedule’ of my day can bring.

Yesterday I was invited to a family tea party. I had consented to going in the week already, and was expected. Yesterday morning however, I felt…unsociable unpleasant. Getting out of pj’s seemed like a daunting task.. smiling required too much effort..laughter and chit-chat was out of the question. I spent the morning moaning to Mum (poor Mummy – so busy she was and having to put up with my irritable self), looking for a leeway to escape going. But I’m a human of my word Mum held me to my word and insisted I come. Boy am I ever grateful. Just the act of getting ready was enough to work up a slow and steady excitement, that by the time we were on the road I was some chirpy, happy person that I couldn’t recognise.

The day wound up being one of the best of my life.

 

 

One comment. How will I take it?

It’s one thing to ramble on how well I’m progressing..and I am. But the true test comes at a time you least expect it; shocks you to the core..gets your mind racing..sends your anxiety levels through the roof.

“You are looking nice and healthy now, hey! I’m so happy..You don’t know how happy I am.” said by a very close loved one. Last night. Near my bed-time. The one person who obviously doesn’t know how my twisted mind works. Waiiit…do I know how my mind works?? The words hit the breath out of me, like a punch to the chest. Uuhhhhhh…..” I couldn’t generate a cohesive word, but my thoughts were running along with no direction..my mind desperately trying to invoke an automatic negative reaction from within me. I couldn’t. Those hateful self-destructive thoughts were buried under an emotion I don’t usually associate with these kind of remarks. Irritation. I was annoyed that after all this time, there was still a chance of the people I live with, making a triggering remark. I thought they knew better. I almost felt..defeated. This way I’d have to keep my ‘guard’ on..who knows when it will strike! I went to Mum after that, spilling out ‘how upset I am’. I should have recorded Mum..she knows me to a T.

In her words, “I could have screamed when I heard that comment being made to you. I was thinking ‘whyyyy’..I just knew it’s disastrous!”. Mum went on to attempt at setting my mind at peace, by enforcing that the words were only asserting a very good thing. And wasn’t I absolutely overcome with grief when not too long ago I realized I was causing painful tears – due to my condition – and that served as part of my determined drive to recover?

I’m not going to sugar-coat things by leaving out the initial despairing feelings that passed by, following the mild anger. Am I losing it? Am I now going to be seen as a healthy care-free girl? And what is wrong with that hmm? Well I don’t want to give an impression of something I’m not. I’m not care-free..why should others think that? How can I let my family rejoice in assuming that I’m ‘coping’, when alot of the time I feel stressed, anxious and moody. Even when I’m content I can’t help in behaving in a slightly moody manner. It’s like I want them to be concerned about me, to see that some things are making me unhappy (I’m not entirely sure what). But then when they do try -often- to convey options to ‘help’ me..I’m resolved to turning them away – because I cannot allow myself to contribute to their stress and take an easy way out – by acting annoyed by their worry, convincing them that I’m doing f-i-n-e. In that moment I believe it myself.

 

4 hours of Living in the Moment

I told briefly of the get-together I was attending yesterday, and truth be told, I had absolutely no intention of doing any sort of recap. It’s personal..I didn’t take any pictures.. and I didn’t think there would be anything majorly significant to dedicate a post to.  Well let me tell you..those 4 hours made history! In my world that is.

I went with an open mind, totally unsure of how my emotions and attitude was going to pan out. It’s no secret on this blog that I have little understanding of my own personality and more often than not, can’t figure out why I feel the way I do.

Yesterday was magical. It was all people I hadn’t seen for a long time..who hadn’t seen me in my worst of my anorexia.. I don’t think they even know about it. I can’t get over the amount of joy in the air! Gahhh! Every person – warm, delightful – most importantly unconcerned about, or rather uninterested in touching on issues of thin, diet, fat talk. There was not a single comment of “oh, you lost weight” or “You look so well” <-yes that causes me discomfort..we all know that when there are ladies around that kind of talk is usually unavoidable. Now that I’m thinking back..we had too much to discuss – meaningful chats on careers, fashion, marriage (LOL), with a good dose of humor thrown un-judged on every topic. Surrounded by loved ones, in a carefree environment – I transformed! The responsibilities lying heavily on my shoulders – which am I always aware of – dropped from my thought stream. I was bursting with energy and happiness making walking normally an effort, so I took to skipping along like a 5 year old in the glorious sunshine (it was a picnic kinda thing). I couldn’t help myself! I had turned into this chatty, bubbly person who I had a hard time recognising to be me! A few times it crossed my mind “Who am I really? Is this just a put-on? But I’m so happy and I’m not trying to be this way!”. My best friend from Primary school was there. I had only seen her once in the past year – 2 months ago – and not at all at the height of my ED. After being around me for a little while, she put her arm around me and said, ” From the time I know you, you haven’t changed. You will always be my best friend.” It was the best compliment evvver and put my doubts to rest. It was me! All me!

I don’t know what it was that clicked in me for that time-span, but when it came to eating..there was no mental baggage!! *grins giddily* It was like the food -just for that period- was void of any calories. My mind was not doing its usual ‘pacifying act’ in trying to get me to feel better about eating; “food is nourishment” “you need it”. It simply wasn’t necessary. There was no need to gain happiness by attaining a sense of control. I helped myself to what sounded good to me at the time. I cannot comprehend how I had regular pasta along with a regular garlic roll..without giving it a second thought. I mean if you put that in front of me now..there is no way I’ll have it together! Followed by two desserts :). I had no arguments with having a little of both. I came back with a full heart, arms warm from all the hugs, a happy tum and extra freckles on my cheeks from prancing in the sun.

If only the free-ness could last forever. Of course things changed while deciding on dinner back home. I actually was really craving fresh salad greens but I wanted to keep my meal in itself ‘light’. Why? I can’t tell myself. So I went with one of my go-to’s..tuna with one scrambled egg in a wrap. I wasn’t surprised I was hankering something else afterward. In the back of my mind I knew that while I had eaten more indulgently in the day..I had eaten small servings and that obviously seemed to be catching up to me. There was freshly baked bread pudding and bran muffins, but I convinced myself I wasn’t craving either. I went for some of my Choc chip blondies flourless blondies

 Perfectly delicious. But not enough.

Take two  BKBites As I inhaled the bag I was like “gosh I am really hungry”

You’d think I’d be done? I thought so too. But if anything, the above just sparked up my hunger(?) craving(?) levels and I must say I do feel a touch of guilt at going back to have some bread pudding and a muffin that I was so certain I didn’t want. I’m not going to lie..I feel upset with myself from doing a crap job of listening to myself last night. I can’t help thinking on the lines of; “if I just had it from the beginning maybe I wouldn’t have needed the other snacks.” Live and learn right. At least I slept amazingly well.